We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Misc Random

Beya had Valentina last night so it was my chance to sleep in. Of course I had the strangest dream so it woke me up at 7 am. I'll spare you the details (unlike mom, who had to sit through my cliff notes version but it was still long) but it had to do with submarines, single engine planes, apartheid, U2, Charles Manson, instant potato flakes, top ramen, Elaine from Seinfeld and the Empire State Building. Mom said I had taken one too many sleeping pills.

I will post pictures from the weekend wedding Asa was in. He was such a handsome cowboy!

Sissy's birthday is rapidly approaching, August 18. I'll never forget last year. Josh insisted that we go out to dinner so we went to the only place where the food still tasted good to her, even on chemo. That was Olive Garden. We all sat there, miserable, missing her terribly, not believing what was really happening, that she wasn't there with us. It was horrible. I feel like once we get it over with this year, well, probably a week afterwards, I'll be able to deal with things again. Mom and I have been in a funk the past few months. First Easter, then Mother's Day, then Memorial Day, then Father's Day, then 4th of July and now her birthday coming up. It's just like more and more and more. I'm overwhelmed and just plain tired yet I don't want to stop because once I stop and breathe I have time to think and I don't want to think, I must stay busy.

I must be in a bad spot since I had this completely irrational "plan" of going off my bipolar mood stabilizer medication and just taking an additional anti-depressant. That would NOT be good, that's what I was doing for about 8 years, prior to being diagnosed bipolar. I would get sooooo manic from the anti-depressant but the lows would come crashing down as I didn't have the mood stabilizer. I even went as far as have an imaginary conversation with my psychiatrist explaining why this was a good idea. Mom brought me back to reality once I told her what my thoughts were.

Reality.

Not the best place to be but it could be worse.

Norm had to incur my wrath last week. The months where the days and dates match up with the days and dates of January 2010 are always harder. For example, sissy died Saturday, 01/09/10. This month Saturday, July 9th was on a Saturday. That means the first two weeks of July, I relive each and every day from January 2010.

It sucks.

Norm asked me one day during those two weeks why I was so bitchy. I explained why and also told him that sissy's birthday was coming up. He looked at me and calmly told me that it wasn't the first year, that it shouldn't be a shock anymore, that I should know what's coming. Uh, yeah, that didn't go over too well and he didn't come out of THAT conversation unscathed. I not so calmly or quietly told him how it's shocking every day when I get up and I can't call my sister. That it's shocking each day I drive and see a truck like sissy's and for a split second I wonder why she's out driving, running errands, without me. That it's shocking every night when I go to bed and I haven't talk to her all day. That it's shocking every day when I see our picture together on the fridge but I can't take it down. That it's shocking to me when I see the framed photo of Trina and the kids in Valentina's room and realize that the kids will never age in pictures with her. That it's shocking each time I get asked what Valentina's birthday is because I can't reply January 14, that was 5 days after sissy died but I don't know what date to give them. That it's shocking every time I take the egg carton out of the egg shelf in the fridge and her medication that had to be kept cold comes falling out, yet her medication needs to stay in the refrigerator, it has to stay cold. That it's shocking that it's been 18 months since cancer stole my sister in a horrifically painful way.

That it's shocking that my sister is dead.

Other than that, things are peachy keen, lol.

I did have a bit of a meltdown yesterday but rather than cry, I did something a bit more self destructive, I took a pair of scissors to my hair. I now literally have about 20 different layers. But the bottom is straight! I knew enough to not touch the bottom!

Oh boy.

On the plus side, I kept feeling like I was getting sick again, something I've been battling for the past few months. I had been doing really good but then my throat felt scratchy and my eyes got that flushed feeling. Then I remembered I hadn't taken my Zyrtec for a few days! I love me my Zyrtec. It does wonders for me.

So that is that. Things are ok for being shitty. I have much to be thankful for. I AM thankful for much. Norm has a job, a great job. The kidditos are healthy. I have my parents. I'm tired of getting on here to blog and having everything negative come shooting out. I'm really not like this in real life! But I try so hard to NOT be like this in real life that it all comes out here and for that I'm sorry. I don't want it to seem like we don't laugh at home, that we don't have fun, that we don't do everything possible to make life normal.

We do.

But it will never be the normal we had.

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