I miss you terribly. There are times when it seems like a dream that you were even here. Even though you are CONSTANTLY on my mind, I spend a lot of time trying to shut it out because it's still unfathomable that you aren't here with me.
I'd like to think that you are watching over us and yet I don't want to think of you going on without us when we can't have you with us. I also find it a bit curious that there is ALWAYS a song playing wherever I go that makes me think of you or had significant meaning to the two of us.
Tomorrow you would have been 42. Remember when we were younger and people in their 40's seemed sooooo old? It's hard to believe that it was 12 years ago when I threw you your 30th birthday party. You had so much fun! I'll never forget the way you were drinking in the middle of a bunch of people, I saw you keel over and then pop back up exclaiming "I'm ok! I'm ok!" I think you went on to drink for a few more hours before you finally called it a night!
And that evening when mom, you and me were drinking on my back deck and we were trying to figure out a way to pay for a trip back to Barcelo in the Mayan Riviera. You came up with some pretty creative ideas! Speaking of which, the time we did go was my absolute, perfect vacation of a lifetime. Even with that ferry ride to Cozumel when I had a panic attack.
I talk about you every day to the kids. Oh man, you would be so enamored with YOUR Vali! She is so much like you it's eerie. She loves life and enjoys everything, just like you. She has plans to look up to heaven tomorrow and yell "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TT!!!!" She is so excited to get old, die and go to heaven to see you. I wish I could believe that's how it works but we don't know for sure.
Asa, however, is a bit more scientific and isn't quite sold on that idea. He has said that you are in space. He is such a little man. His reading is absolutely perfect! He's so smart and still loves to watch his science shows. His soccer skills are outstanding. He is his own person and yet sometimes I can't help but be reminded that he is your son, especially when he does something that is just like you.
I cut my hair and I hate it. You would have been so upset with me, you always told me to keep my hair long. This is the first time I've had it super short and I wish I would have had you to tell me how horrible it is. I went to the same place that gave you your mullet! The lady wasn't bad, she did a pretty good job with it given what she had to work with. I had whacked at it several times so it was pretty uneven.
OH! I bought the CUTEST pair of shoes!!!! I love them. I thought they were similar to the Christian Louboutins that Carrie wore on "Sex and the City" in the episode where Miranda has Brady but I actually found a pair of Badgley Mischka's online that are almost identical. My shoes were on clearance for $16!!! Remember how we used to say that there is no feeling like buying a pair of shoes that you love? I adore these and now I have a fake pair of Badgley Mischka/Christian Louboutin's and faux Manolo Blahniks.
I need a new pair of glasses but I don't want to get them because you helped me pick out my current pair. For a split second I think "I can't change them because sissy won't recognize me if I have new glasses." The same thing with newer car, I can't sell my car because it's what we always drove around in and I can't bear the thought of not having it anymore.
I still have your medication in my fridge. Remember how it used to be so annoying when it would fall out of the egg keeper whenever we opened that part of the fridge? Now I'm grateful when it rattles to the floor and I have to pick it up.
You should hear the car when it's just mom and me running errands. It's sooooo quiet without your constant chatter that we were used to. Oh how I miss giving you a hard time about that! I miss giving you a hard time about your bifocals, your toe sensitivity, our looks that we could give each other and know exactly what the other was thinking, your morning phone calls to me figuring out what we were going to do with our day, our nightly phone calls after the kids were asleep to rehash what we had done that day and most of all, just having fun and the sheer happiness we had together. We never took each other for granted and were always grateful for the time we spent with each other and our family. I miss joking with you and you gagging every time I would talk about how hot Charlie Gibson is.
You were always the best sissy I could ever dream of, the best TT your Vali could ever want, the best daughter mom and papa could have, the best wife and most of all, the absolute best mum mum to Asa.
I still can't believe that you aren't here for your birthday and I'm so sorry we spent your last birthday at a crappy, expensive diner. Then again we made a memory that we'll never forget!
I miss you so much. I wish so badly you were still here, not just for me but for all of us.
Most of all I love you. I will always love you. You were and are the only sister I ever had.
Happy Birthday sissy.