We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Blech (Again)

I had therapy yesterday. It's been about a year since I've seen my therapist but I started seeing him about 10 years ago so he knows me inside and out. He doesn't take any of my bullshit and calls it like he sees it. He keeps me in check. Basically he's Beya with a PhD.

Mom went with me to make sure I told him everything. I tried to score extra points by explaining that I've identified my panic attack triggers and when I feel one starting to come on I manage to keep it to a major anxiety attack vs. a full blown panic attack. I was in the middle of one while I was there and he told me that I was doing a good job.....but that they won't stop until I deal with my grief. He also explained that 22 months (tomorrow) is no where near enough time to accept the trauma of sissy being gone.

"You know what therapy is like" he said. "Do you want to do this or do you want to continue with the anxiety and panic attacks? What would you tell your kids to do? What would you want THEM to do?"

See? He's so good. He's just like mom.

So I'm starting weekly therapy again. It sucks and it's draining and it's a lot of emotional work and right now I feel like I have my hands full and can't take on one more thing. But I also know that I refuse to let this overwhelming anxiety and panic take over my life. It got to the point where mom had to drive me to therapy. That is just not acceptable for me.

Back into therapy I go.

1 comment:

Jen said...

OH how I love you....I needed a good laugh today and I knew right where to get it....Beya with a PhD.

I am so sorry sweetie! I know you are doing the right thing, but I can only imagine how horrible it feels. It's like ~ really, this terrible feeling is supposed to eventually make me feel better??

You're right, I too would choose therapy over anxiety. I hope somehow, someway, you start feeling better.

Love you.

Oh, and LOVE your new blog design!!!