We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

I Do Not Like

I do not like when people seem
to get everything they want so easily.

I do not like that my sister is gone
There's something about it that is




I do not like that she had cancer
No one can give me one sane answer.

I do not like that on January nine
Everything fell apart

It's not




I do not like it when people say
"She's in a better place, YAY!"

I do not like to not have my sister
Oh how it physically hurts to

miss her



I do not like New Years Eve
Can I have one more normal one,

One more thing
I do not like about New Years Eve
It was the last time she sat in my house and on my seat.

I do not like that she's not here
To play with us,

To laugh with us,


I do not like how this pain never stops
By now my tears have soaked more than thirty mops.

I do not like how we are now just seven, no more eight




I do not like that PF Changs
used to be so fun
now it hurts my heart like bloody fangs.

But most of all

Above it all


I do not like

is living and missing
my only and best
dear, sweet,


Tuesday, December 27, 2011


December is hard enough on its own but we had the extra stress of waiting to hear if mom had cancer.

Yes. Cancer.

As in Beya might have it.

It started off with a gyno appointment for some excessive bleeding. The doctor wanted to do a biopsy just to rule out uterine cancer. Fine.

The pathology report came back inconclusive but "consistent with cancer."

The doctor wanted to wait a few months before doing another biopsy but mom said no, Trina had to wait a month between her diagnosis and starting treatment and during that month the cancer spread like wildfire. I'm so proud of mom for putting her foot down and insisting on another biopsy in only two weeks.

The week of December 12th was horrible.

Wednesday the 14th was sissy's original cancer anniversary, the day I'd take her out and we'd celebrate her being alive.

Thursday the 15th was when mom had her second biopsy.

Friday the 16th was two years ago sissy found out her chemo wasn't working, her tumor marker numbers had doubled and her doctor told her to wait until after Christmas to start her new chemo regimen. He was basically trying to let her have a last Christmas.


Not telling anyone.

Mom didn't anyone to know about this because she didn't want to make a big deal out of something that might be nothing. She even tried to keep it from me, I just happened to overhear her on the phone and sensed something was up so me being me, I didn't stop hounding her until she told me everything.

We were hoping to have the results before Christmas.

That didn't happen.

Today mom started to freak out. We were all scared and it had been two weeks. Mom had an appointment with her PCP and had left a message with her gyno. We went to the doctor and mom asked him if there was ANY way possible that he could look up her test results. He left to take a look. Those three minutes were the longest minutes. I kept thinking to myself "if it's bad he's not going to tell mom. He'll just tell her they haven't come in yet. Or worse he'll say he can't discuss them with her. Unless he tells us things are fine, they aren't."

The doctor came back, sighed loudly and sat down.

My heart stopped and my stomach flipped.

"There's no cancer. There's nothing pre-cancerous. There is some excessive tissue growth that they will probably want to keep an eye on and probably do another check in six months. But there's no cancer."


Excessive tissue growth that they want to keep an eye on and probably biopsy every six months or so, we can deal with that. That way if it DOES become pre-cancerous they can get it early. And that is IF.

December was rough indeed and Christmas is another blog post entirely but this was good news that I had to post right away.


Tuesday, December 20, 2011


I have a million questions that I wish I could ask sissy. So many things that I wonder about. So many conversations we could still have.

Is Tahiti still your dream vacation?

Do you remember wearing black jeans to school?

If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life what would it be?

What is your favorite thing about Valentina?

What is your favorite thing about Asa?

What is the one thing that I do that most annoys you?

Are you still watching "Castle" now that you got me hooked on it?

What is your favorite way of drinking coffee?

Why didn't you tell me you hated the way I had my crosses up all haphazardly?

How can you be so patient with the kids when they play with playdough?

What is it about beer that you love?

Do you still have some of that lemon sugar scrub we bought together?

Do you still use your bath poufs instead of a washcloth?

What is your favorite holiday besides your birthday?

What is your favorite thing about being a mom?

What did you learn most from mom?

Who can you not stand?

Who did you want to win Survivor?

Who did you want to win The Amazing Race?

Should we enter The Amazing Race?

Would you enter Take The Money And Run with me?

How are you sleeping?

What snow cone flavor is your favorite?

Where was the last place you found your napkin that you "tucked"?

What was your dream last night?

What is your favorite Christmas movie?

Do you remember making me our first family ornament when we were still paperchasing and you just wrote "Baby" on it?

What is your favorite outfit of Asa's?

What do you love to see Valentina in?

How do you make your Mexican hot chocolate?

What do you think of Asa playing Star Wars video games?

What new show are you most excited about next year?

Do you still "want to go to there"?

What is your earliest memory?

What do you miss most about Grandma?

What do you miss most about Grandpa?

Are you watching Storage Wars?

What do you want for Christmas?


So many things I wish I could ask. But when I ask all I hear is silence and unrelenting disbelief that you aren't here to give me an answer.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Sign Me Up

I had the TV on while doing some other things and kept hearing some strange things. I had to actually rewind and listen to it again to make sure I wasn't listening an SNL skit. Nope, it was an actual commercial. I had to write down some of this shit because I couldn't believe it.

"Walking, eating, driving or engaging in other activities while asleep without remembering it the next day have been reported.

Abnormal behaviors may include:
- Aggressiveness
- Agitation

- Hallucinations or confusion

In depressed patients worsening of depression and risk of suicide may occur. Alcohol may increase these risks.

Allergic reaction such as tongue or throat swelling may occur and may be fatal.

Side effect may include:
- Unpleasant taste

- Headache
- Dizziness

- Morning drowsiness

As your doctor if Lunesta is right for you.

There's a land of restful sleep. We can help you go there on the wings of Lunesta."

Sure, sign me up! I'd love to have those side effects! And uh, I might be pointing out the obvious here but if it is doing what it's supposed to, make you sleep, isn't there a possibility that you wouldn't KNOW your tongue and throat is swelling? I guess that is why it could be fatal. I might Ambishop, Ambiblog or Ambibook without remembering but at least I don't have to sign away my life (literally) or have my license taken away for a sleeping pill.

Friday, December 09, 2011

Therapy Hilarity

I've had this blog post all written out in my head since Monday but I'm glad I didn't actually write it until today.

First off, today sucks. The 9th sucks. December sucks. 23 months sucks. Everything sucks.

That said, something so damn funny happened while mom and I were waiting in the therapists waiting room Monday. Yes, Beya is coming to therapy with me and I think she gets more out of it than I do. However it is fun to be able to be the one who says "oh, you don't listen to me when I say that but you listen when Dr. B says the exact same thing!"

Anyway, mom and I were waiting and there was a dude talking to the receptionist. It's a very small room as the place is an old house and there are about 6 therapists working out of it. The entire waiting room is about the size of my small dining area. I'm only explaining this because that is why I was able to hear the guy discuss his insurance information with the receptionist. Their conversation went something like this:

Receptionist - Well, Dr. X is considered a third tier on your insurance.

Dude - What does that mean?

Receptionist - The insurance company will cover third tier but you have a very high deductible, $2500, that you need to meet before they will start paying.

Dude - Okay. Then what do I owe for today?

Receptionist - The initial visit is $185.

Dude - I left my checkbook in the car. Let me go get it.

Mom and I watched the guy walk out the front door when I told mom "that guy's getting in his car and going home! Vrrrroooommmm!!!!! That's what I'd do! 'oh, I left my checkbook in my car' You'd be able to hear me pealing out!" Mom and I were laughing so hard that it was very difficult to get it under control when unbelievably the dude came walking back up the front stairs WITH his checkbook. After he paid I turned to mom and said "boy, he's more honest than I am!" This again set us off into a fit of giggles. We couldn't understand why the receptionist wasn't laughing with us. We also didn't understand why Dr. B kept looking at us after we told him the story with a bewildered look on his face, waiting for the funny part. Maybe mom and I found it so funny because that's something I actually did once, only it was a job. It was my first day and when I left for lunch I never went back.

I thought that was the funniest part of the week.

Until yesterday.

I must explain a few things first.

Papa talks. A lot. Sometimes to himself, sometimes to us, sometimes he thinks he's talking to me but I'm not listening. It is not uncommon to be in the living room and hear him talking in the family room while no one else is in there. He can also be sitting down, I'll look over, see his lips moving and know he's having a conversation in his head. Another thing papa does is tell us half stories. He's a news junkie and knows everything that's going on in the world. He literally watches at least 3 hours of news a day. BUT he'll tell us "I heard about that guy, that one that plays sports, something happened to him." Mom or I will follow up with "well, what happened?" and papa's reply is "well, I don't know but I saw that something happened to him, I didn't hear what. Do you know what happened to him?" It drives us crazy! He'll bring up a story but not know "the rest of the story" (my homage to Paul Harvey) and expects us to fill him in on it.

I heard papa doing his usual news half story with mom yesterday and decided to give papa a taste of his own medicine. I was so pleased with my idea I couldn't wait to do it! I came out to the living room, winked at mom and had the following conversation with papa:

me - Papa, did you hear that thing?

Papa - what thing?

me - On the news.

Papa - what happened?

me - Something happened to that guy. On the news.

Papa - Oh yeah! I heard that guy on the news and how he......

Papa actually launched into a story that he had heard on the news. I couldn't believe it. CURSES!!! I was foiled again! Papa went on to talk for another 5 minutes telling me about a real story that I hadn't even talked about. Mom and I were laughing so hard tears were streaming down our faces and of course papa didn't notice because he was busy telling him this story about the guy who did something.

And I thought I was so smart.

Epic fail.



That is all that is running through my head today.

I'm trying to push out all thoughts and memories of sissy.

But I miss her.

Friday, December 02, 2011


I think everyone who has known me for any substantial amount of time knows how much I support Product (RED) and Africa. I know some people have just now realized what a pandemic Africa is going through with HIV, the drought and lack of food and are now on the bandwagon. They often think they're the first, and loudest, supporters. Really people, this has been going on for decades and that's how long I've been involved. Thanks for finally joining in on the party.

Anyway, so I got my email from Product (RED) today and it warmed my heart to see that Gap has already sold out of their special edition t-shirt! So cool.