We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Monday, January 10, 2011

Still Here

We're still here and we're still standing a year after sissy died.

The last part of that sentence is still so absurd I can't believe I have to write it.

This past week has been hell, reliving every fucking day that she was in the hospital. On the not so shitty side, I had been putting off writing about that week in my book that I took the opportunity to write it since I was thinking and reliving it anyway. Once I got going everything came back, tiny little details that I had forgotten came back as real as if I were going through them for the first time and things that I thought had happened on one day had actually happened on another day. I'm glad I was able to reference my blog and my FB page and get the timeline correct.

This week is hard too although I have virtually no memory of what happened except that we were so busy making the funeral arrangements. I do remember that everything seemed to go wrong! I laughed so hard this morning remembering that we had a horrible time finding a priest to perform the service. The person who did it was fifth on our list of people we wanted. I remember Beya and Papa asking Josh if that priest was ok and Josh said "well it's either him or Joe Blow off the street!"

Yesterday, the one year mark, was much harder than I thought it would be. Then again I always think I can get through the ninth of every month without it being any different than any other day of the month and every time I'm wrong.

Papa turns 70 this month and we are going to have a celebration. We never know how long we have each other for so mom and I do want to do something special for him even if it's just going out to dinner, we have to celebrate it.

Valentina's birthday is Friday. I made the decision to change her birthday to February 16, the day we got her referral. Like mom says, that is the day she was born to us. I can't adequately celebrate my daughter's birthday the way she deserves only five days after my sister died so instead I have changed it to a time that I can devote solely to her. She has decided on a pirate party theme! I love, love, LOVE that my daughter seems to always pick unconventional party themes for her birthday, things that aren't "girly" even though she is all girl. After this week I'm going to throw myself into planning her party.

So that is a longer than I planned update on us. Life is still unbelievably difficult and it's still unreal that I have to go on without half of me. This grief is something nobody can understand unless they have to experience it and even then everyone is different and everyone handles it differently.

I miss having a sister.

I miss having MY sister.