We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Thursday, March 24, 2011

I HATE CANCER!!!!!!

I hate cancer.

I hate what cancer has done to my family.

I hate what cancer has taken away from my family.

Most of all I hate that cancer has stolen my children's innocence.

Asa has severe fears of being left behind/alone/forgotten but other than that he doesn't have a fear of much else because he's already experienced one of the worst things that can happen to a child, his mom has died.

I've been preparing Valentina for her tonsillectomy, telling her that we'll go to the hospital, I will be with her, she'll have her bear with her, they will put a mask on her, she'll go to sleep, when she wakes up I'll be next to her and then we'll all go home. She has seemed a little skeptical of things but tonight she told me she was afraid. She whimpered to me that she was scared. I told her there was nothing to be afraid of, that I would be there with her.

Valentina - Beya too?

Me - Yes, I'm sure Beya will be there too.

Valentina - But you'll be with me?

Me - Yes honey, I'll be there the whole time.

Valentina - But like TT? Then you will come home?

The lightbulb went off in my head. I had never once thought that she would associate the two things. I never told her that her surgery will be at the same hospital. It broke my heart that she thought we would take her to the hospital and then come home without her. The remainder of our conversation went like this:

Me - No honey! We'll all come home together! You aren't going to die like TT.

Valentina (her face getting brighter) - You mean I'm going to come home? You won't leave me at the hospital?

Me - Of course not! You don't have cancer. TT had cancer. TT was really sick and there was nothing anyone could do. You are just having your tonsils out. LOTS of people have their tonsils out, it's no big thing. We'll go early in the morning and be home by bedtime. We'll all go together and we'll all come home together.

Valentina - But TT died. TT had cancer and went to the hospital and died.

Me - Yes. TT died.

Valentina - Why did she have cancer?

We discussed again how it just happened, it was nobody's fault, TT just got cancer and couldn't get better but that having her tonsils taken out was NOTHING like cancer. I explained that most people go to the hospital and come home, that it's not normal to go to the hospital and die but it did happen to TT.

I hate cancer.

I hate what cancer has done to my family.

I hate what cancer has taken away from my family.

Most of all I hate that cancer has stolen my children's innocence.

I cannot say that enough.