We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.
What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.
I cannot begin to explain how damn proud I am of myself for actually creating a new blog design!!! It all started when mom said I need to change mine up. I wanted to see if I could do it myself, well, it was more of a distraction than anything else but I did it!!! I really did it!!! Since I can't bring myself to change my blog, I changed a private one that I started after sissy died. I deleted all the posts since I ended up posting everything on my blog and/or writing it my book so here it is, the link to the blog I created.
I love Crate and Barrel. Love it. I've only been to the store a handful of times and I only buy things that are on sale but I love it. Trina always thought I was silly because I liked it because she thought it was highly overpriced and nothing suited her taste but she would humor me and go with me. Actually we always went everywhere and since I usually drove, her and Beya were my hostages. Anyway, every once in a while I have conversations with sissy in my head, especially when they are about unusual, different things. Take for instance my crush on Karl Pilkington. I know EXACTLY what she would have said and what words she would have accented, what sentence she would have repeated, etc... I hate having dreams of her but I love having these conversations with her. I watched "Castle" yesterday by myself and we talked about it together. So, I was cruising through Crate and Barrel online and look what I found: I love it. In my head I reached for the phone and told Trina all about my great find at Crate and Barrel. Again, I know exactly what she would have said, how she would have laughed at me, how I would have defended what a steal and find this bell was and we would have laughed until our sides hurt and tears were streaming down our faces. All over a bell. I miss sissy so much it hurts and even now I take things day by day, sometimes minute by minute. I hate that I can't have these conversations for real, but I'm grateful that I knew her inside out and can have these conversations in my head. One clarification I needed to make about my post yesterday. I gave my first quote and proceeded to tell a story but completely forgot to explain how the quote tied in with my story. Last year was hell. This year isn't really better, it's different. I can't compare the two because they are so different but last year I was in shock. I didn't really grieve. I spent most of the year in denial and shock. BECAUSE I didn't grieve I didn't really exist. This year I'm grieving but I'm also feeling more. You can't feel when you don't grieve because the shock and horror of losing such an integral part of your daily life puts you in a coma. I thought the quote,
"Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists."
was spot on. Last year I didn't grieve and I hardly existed. Literally.
The pain is worse now because I am grieving but I am so grateful for my children, my parents, my family and my friends that are my family.