I started this really heavy, get things off my chest, emotionally pain filled post early last week and it got to be too much. Well, not too much for me but life got in the way and I never had time to finish it. I'm hoping I'll be able to do it if not this week then next.
I do have a few highlights to touch on.
Thursday was 17 months since sissy died. I'm horrible with dates, they all kind to seem blur together and I never know what the date is. That is, until the 9th rolls around every month. Seriously. I could have not looked at a calendar for three weeks and it might even take me until after I have my morning coffee but it DOES hit me that it's the ninth. Every.Fucking.Month. About half the time on the 9th I still wake up in the middle of the night within 10 minutes of the time she died but it's not until morning that I realize WHY I had woken up at that time. I don't go to bed thinking "tomorrow's the ninth", hell, I'm usually falling asleep on the couch and am thinking nothing by the time I drag my ass into bed.
Anyway, so we hit that monthly milestone.
I had to fill out some paperwork for Valentina to attend her first ever Vacation Bible School. It is affiliated with her current preschool. I figure I don't have the strength or ability at this time in my life to teach my child how wonderful God is and how He listens to you and answers your prayers, but I DO want her to have a solid Christian base that she can grow up with, along with the strong Judaism influence that is in our home with Asa and Josh, and as she gets older I will encourage her to ask questions, just like Beya did with me. I want her to have a base and then explore and decide what she feels is right for her, whether that be Muslim, Catholicism, Buddhism, Atheist or what I do, just read the Bible and chuck church all together. Anyway, my point that I was going to make before I went off in a tangent, was as I was filling out her registration form, I got to one question that had me stumped. Date of birth. Huh. Valentina's date of birth. Shit. I used to know this one. We've changed it within our family at least three times that I can't even keep track of it! How fabulous of a mother am I if I can't even remember my kids date of birth? Now I can never remember Norm's and my wedding anniversary but that's no biggie, we simply got married so the adoption paperwork would be a tiny bit easier.
Ok, sit down and think. When is her birthday? I know it's January. We changed her birthday to February to give us a month away from the month of when sissy died, as if that helped any (it didn't, by the way). Okay, so we changed to it to February 16, the date of her referral. But I remember that her name DID have a connection to Valentine's Day. Was it February 14? Did we just make that a connection with her name with the holiday? No, her birthday is either the 14th or 16th. I think. Ok, lets go with those two dates as possibilities for her birthday. Now the month. January. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's January. Yes, it IS January because we had the private viewing of sissy the day of Valentina's birthday. The funeral was the day AFTER Valentina's birthday. Sissy died five days before Valentina's birthday. BINGO! Valentina's LEGAL birthday is January 14!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!! I remembered my daughters date of birth! So what if it took me 10 minutes and a full page of scrap paper to figure it out, I DID IT!
Lastly, full disclosure warning, you may NOT want to read what I'm about to post in this last paragraph. I give you advance knowledge so you can skip it if you want. It has to do with Casey Anthony.
Okay. For those of you that are still around, is anyone else obsessed with the trial like Beya and I are? I find the whole thing fascinating! Dr. Arpad Vass has been my favorite witness so far with Dr. Neal Haskell as a close second. I tweeted that I would love to have a dinner party with those two as the guests of honor. I think there could be no better conversation or drier humor or a better time than if they were to grace me with their presence. It seems as if every day another bombshell happens. IF IF IF IF Casey Anthony gets convicted you know she has an excellent chance of appeal based on ineffective counsel. Up until now I think the State is doing a wonderful job at painting a picture of Casey as a lying, manipulative, narcissistic party girl who only cares about what happens to her. I try a few times a day to look at the evidence and testimony strictly from a jurors point of view and I think it's going well. However, we have no idea what the defense is going to do. But it's pretty bad when I plan my day around the trial and won't go to bed until I've watched the entire days worth of testimony and the hour long wrap up they do after court has recessed for the day. Mom is just as bad as me.
Again, my point that I am finally getting around to is, Cindy Anthony. I CANNOT imagine or even begin to imagine what that poor woman is going through. I feel so much compassion, pain and hurt for her even though I know it does her not one bit of good. THAT is a mother than has been broken in every sense of the word. I don't know how she manages to find the strength to get up in the morning. I cannot imagine what her day is like. I cannot imagine the intense pain she has to deal with day in, day out, never subsiding but at times swelling over and completely taking over your life.
Cindy Anthony is someone who is deserving of every scrap of normalcy she can possibly find.
Okay, that's it. A lot long than I thought but still shorter than my other one.
Love you dude, will call you one of these days, can't wait to talk to you!!!!
Amanda, same goes for you.
Jen, have a safe trip, I hope you can find an hour to yourself.
And Beya. Mom, mom, mom. I love you so much and cling to you as my life raft. The children are in the boat and I'm hanging on for them because I don't want them to be left to drift. YOU are the one behind me, making sure I stay holding on to the boat. Thank you for doing that.
I love and owe my life to my family, both those here and the one who was gone much too early but who will always be with me every second of every day for the rest of my life.