We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Missing

I haven't blogged in a while. I mean really, emotionally laid things out there. There's a couple of reasons.

First, I hate for this to be just a dumping ground. Nobody wants to read that. I hate to be so negative all the time with my writing so when I get really down I don't like to write.

Second, things have been busy. Kids starting school, kids starting soccer, kids getting sick from starting school, making lunches, schedules again, etc....

Third, my back and neck were super bad. I never recovered from the drive to Boise.

Fourth, I've been struggling to find the right color for my entryway and one wall in the dining room.

Fifth, Asa has decided that he wants a suprise birthday party. As luck would have it we're having the party the day after we get back from a little getaway.

So that's the gist of it.

Busy, busy, busy, sad, sad, sad, stay busy to keep from being too sad, repeat.

However one thing that has SUCKED is the last three nights I've had dreams of sissy. I cannot stress enough how much I hate dreams like this. They are always in the same. She's been gone and she comes back but only for a scant amount of time so we have to cram as much talking and laughing into this short amount of time because at any given moment she's going to die again. And when she comes back she's healthy, she doesn't have cancer but she's going to die. In one of them we were on the phone talking and I laughed to her "I had forgotten how much it was just to talk on the phone with you!" It's the little things I miss so much about her. I (mom) painted the entryway and I didn't like the color. I wanted so badly to ask sissy what she thought of it. We BBQ'd over Labor Day weekend and the table would lapse into quiet silence every so often. You wouldn't think that it could be so quiet with 9 people (two of them children) but I kept thinking "if sissy was here we'd be laughing so hard".

I miss her. I miss her so much. I miss having a sister. I miss having someone who grew up with me and knows me inside and out. I miss teasing her. I miss her teasing me. I miss her voice. I miss the scar on her hand. I miss the way she would hug me and I always thought how small her body frame was. I miss talking to her about tv. I miss the two of us getting so excited over the Fall TV Season. I miss being normal. I miss Asa saying the word mum mum. I miss Valentina saying TT. I miss the phone ringing and having it be her on the other line. I miss mom's cell phone ringing and her answering the phone in the tone that always let me know she was talking to her oldest daughter. I miss us. I miss the family we used to be.