We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Monday, January 30, 2012

Unbelievable

Just when I think Jen has FINALLY had her fill of shit to deal with, she gets more.

I don't know how you do it.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Happy Anniversary

I just got a text from my husband telling me happy anniversary.

Huh?

Oh, that's right, we got married six years ago today!

I always forget our anniversary since we were together for almost 12 years when we got married and it was a slap dash put together thing done at the courthouse with a FABULOUS dinner in a private room at the Hilton afterwards for our immediate family. We had so much fun! For our one year anniversary Norm gave me a gift certificate for sissy's and my favorite spa. Sissy and I went and had a lovely spa day a month or so later.

So happy anniversary to my husband of six years and partner of almost 18 years.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Bits And Pieces

Mom got after me today to write a new blog post. Little does she know I've actually sat down and written about five of them but they always turn all dark and twisty and I know everyone is tired of reading about my dark and twisty insides.

I actually came up with a really good post last night. It was funny, full of humor and was cracking me up just writing it in my head.......but I had taken ambien and by the time I sat down to write it I was falling asleep and today it's gone. I don't remember any of it.

Valentina got her report card from preschool today. She got glowing reviews and is doing very well. Of course there are only five other students and two of them are the teachers kids but that's beside the point :) I adore her teacher, she's so kind and sweet. I'm very fortunate to have wonderful teachers for both of the kids.

I'm trying to sell our 1993 Toyota 4Runner and had it on craigslist listed at $3100. I had one person call and actually come out and test drive it. He didn't buy it so I decided to delete all the posts I had on craigslist and jacked up the price to $4,500. Nothing.....until yesterday after I lowered the price to $4,000. We have someone coming to look at it Saturday. Woohoo!!!! Hopefully we can finally get rid of it since it's an extra, extra vehicle for us.

Oh!!!! Norm got into a car accident!!!! This was about 2 weeks ago. It happened about 5 blocks from our house at a nasty intersection that has at least one wreck a week. He's ok and they are still determining if his work car is fixable or totaled.

So that's about it. Damn, I wish I could remember my funny post, this one isn't dark and twisty but it sure is boring. I'm tempted to delete it altogether but I don't want to hear Beya tell me again that I need to write something.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

January 14

The past two weeks have been so hard. Much more difficult than I anticipated.

Today was Valentina's actual birthday and all I could think of was "two years ago today was the viewing. Two years ago today I stood in the entryway of a funeral home while mom, Josh and his mom went and looked at my sister in a fucking casket, the last place on earth she should have been. Two years ago today my house was full of people that I don't remember. Two years ago today I had to have a party for my daughter because she had been expecting it and I couldn't let her down even more than I already had. Two years ago today my Aunt Jeanie had to pick out a birthday cake because I was incapable of doing anything. Two years ago today I had to attend to my sisters funeral the next day."

Tomorrow is two years since since we had to bury my sissy.

The past two weeks have been a double whammy. We've been reliving not only the dates of when things happened but also the days. She died on Saturday, January 9. Last Saturday my mind was swirling with thoughts of when she died and also the date, January 7, the last day sissy talked to me in the hospital. Friday I was thinking that 104 weeks ago we had her funeral but it was also the 13th, two days before her funeral and I was still doing last minute planning for the services.

I keep waiting for the 15th to pass, thinking, hoping, there will be a shift. Last year there was a shift after the 15th. It definitely wasn't any easier, things have not gotten one bit easier since two years ago, but there was a sense of "oh my gosh. We made it. We made it through the first year. How in the hell did we do that?" Some people say the second year is harder. I say every damn day is just as hard as the last but some days are even harder. The funny thing is, even after the harder than normal days, the normal days don't seem to be any easier, if anything each day becomes more and more bogged down.

Mom has explained to me that she has had to physically make herself get out of bed every day. She told me that during the first year she once wore the same shirt for four days. I have had some very low days, some days where it is literally minute by minute and I don't think I can make it to the next 10 seconds. We've had to go through things we never thought we'd have to deal with after sissy died. Horrible, unbelievably hurtful things have happened and yet I've always been able to get out of bed, I've wanted to get out of bed, to see the kids, to take care of them, to see what they are going to do that day.

Not today.

The past week, and especially today, mom has had to step in and take care of the kids. I slept for two hours on the couch this afternoon, trying to escape my reality. Trying to run away from the fact that five years ago today my daughter was born. Trying to run away from the fact that two years ago my sister was laying in a casket. Trying to run away from the fact that today I can't function. Trying to run away from the fact that things most definitely do NOT get easier. Trying to run away from all the bullshit sayings that aren't even worth repeating here because they are all lies. Trying to run away from the fact that my sister is gone.

I'm not only too tired to run but even if I could this is something I can't outrun.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

January 9



Trina xxxxx xxxxx, 40, passed away from cancer on January 9, 2010 in xxxxx. She will always be remembered as a wonderful wife to her soul mate husband Joshua xxxx, mum to her kind hearted son Asa, loving daughter to her parents {papa} and {Beya}, sissy to Cameo, TT to her niece Valentina, missed by her brother-in-law Norman xxxxx, brother-in-law Todd xxxxxx, mother-in-law Eleanor xxxx, in-law's Barry and Darlene xxxx, along with countess family members and friends. She will join her beloved Grandma and Grandpa in heaven.

She was born August 18, 1969 in xxxx and grew up in xxxxx before calling xxxx her home in 1987.

Trina was a beautiful, strong, confident, intelligent, compassionate woman who lit up rooms and made everyone laugh. She always smiled to everyone she saw. She loved life. She loved trying new food, watching sports, summer time, eating "al fresco", her garden and entertaining company in her backyard. She had an amazing willingness to open her heart up to others and to share her fight with cancer. Trina had the deepest love for her husband their son. She always put her family's needs above her own and was the first to ask what she could do for others. Trina strived to be the best person she could be. Her faith and belief in the Lord never wavered and only became stronger with each passing day as evidenced by her kindness and charity. She took great joy the last months of her life in passing out food and Bibles weekly to those in need on the street.

Trina will be forever missed but never forgotten as she will continue to be a daily part of her family's lives.

She praised God with this prayer several times a day:

"Dear God, thank you for all the miracles you give me every day. You are an amazing and powerful God. You can move mountaings. Thank you for loving me. I love you God. Amen."

A graveside service will be held at 1 pm on Friday, January 15 at xxxxxx followed by a celebration of her wonderful life.

Saturday, January 07, 2012

Sorry

This week has taken more out of me than I thought. The past two weeks have been harder than I thought they would be. I'm dreading the upcoming week just as much. I haven't been able to blog my funny, humiliating stories like I had planned. I just can't. It's too hard.

Sorry.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Here We Go

Here is my first humiliating story. I don't think mom even knows about this. She will now!

It was around 1987 which would make me about 12-13. Now I grew up without electricity and 10 miles outside of the small town that we called home. A trip to town had to be planned and when we needed the stuff that you get at Target we had to travel almost an hour away. This was considered a big deal, something I'd get dressed up for.

So we (Beya, Papa and me, sissy had already moved out) had to make one of these treks. I tricked out myself wearing some of my wardrobe staples.

A vest like Bono's:


Under a jacket like Bono's (but mine was even uglier):
and topped off with a hat like The Edge:

I also had on black jeans and black boots. Yes, I thought I was one cool chick in black. And of course my hair was bleached blonde, hair curled, bangs teased so high and aqua netted so hard that a tornado wouldn't make it move.

The first thing I did when we got to the BIG store that carried household supplies AND food (just like a WalMart or even Target now) was hit the magazine racks. I loved music and celebrities and this was back in the day before there was the internet. If you wanted to hear about rock stars and actors you had to buy magazines to read about stuff that had happened a month ago.

Since I had to pick carefully which magazine I was going to actually buy with my hard earned money, I would look through a lot of them before deciding. There were so many to choose from. Bop magazine (ugh, so single digit age appropriate), Teen magazine (again, so beneath me), Seventeen (more like it) and the ultimate, Rolling Stone. This is what I usually went with but still had to thumb through some more to make sure.

I knelt down to reach the magazines in the back.

That's when I felt it.

The urge to pee.

Now my hatred of going to the bathroom started way before this and continues to this day. It is such a waste of time and I hate having to go to the bathroom.

The bathrooms were way in the back of the store and I only had an allotted amount of time before mom would be done shopping. There was a chance I might not be able to go through all the magazines.

"I'll go later" I told myself.

I continued to look through the magazines.....and still needed to pee.

"Just one more, then I'll go to the bathroom."

When I finally stood up to head to the bathroom I realized that I had peed my pants, but just a little. I tried crossing my legs and it was like loosely holding a bulging water balloon, ready to burst.

"I didn't need to go this bad when I was kneeling. I'll kneel back down and maybe I can get a hold on it."

I knelt back down and sure enough, the position I was in managed to kink myself enough into holding my pee. As I sat there, still needing to wiggle around a bit to keep it in I began to realize something. I couldn't stay like this. At some point I was going to have to stand up and walk out of the store and into the car. Or stand up and walk to the back of the store and into the bathroom.

Shit.

I was screwed.

I tried using mind over matter and forced myself to stand up and see if I could make it. I stood up and I started to have that warm feeling go through my pants again.

ACK!

What to do?

There was nothing to do. I couldn't stay kneeling so I started to walk to the back of the store hoping I could make it in time to not totally pee my pants.

It didn't work.

The more I walked the more the warm stain grew.

I changed direction realizing there was no point in walking toward the bathroom.

And there wasn't. By the time I reached the front of the store my jeans were wet to the knees.

But I had an empty bladder.

I realized I was no longer the super cool teenage chick dressed all in black. I was now the teenage chick dressed all in black hoping to cover up the fact that I had just peed my pants. I have no idea if anyone could tell as I kept my head down and with the six inch brim of my hat I couldn't see anyone.

And that is story number one, no pun intended.

Monday, January 02, 2012

DONE!!!!

In what was yet another obsession designed to help take my mind off of which it can never be taken off of, I have redesigned my blog.

Valentine's Day, or as we call it, Valentina's Day. Oh so what if her birthday is two days AFTER Valentina's Day? So sue me. Hell, we've already changed her birthday month so two days isn't going to do anything. I have started to think ahead when she starts school next year and the teacher asks Valentina when her birthday is to compare to the schools records. Ooopsie!!! Luckily our school is small enough that they will be able to understand. I hope.

ANYWAY, since it is midnight and I said I was going to bed 90 minutes ago I will say only this. The next two weeks are such an unbelievable hell that I'm going to use my blog in another way. "What?" you may be asking yourself. "Is she not going to be the down, pessimistic person we've grown to simultaneous hate and barely tolerate?"

Better.

I have decided that I will try to blog every day until January 15th, the day we buried my sister, and I will be writing something so embarrassing about MYSELF. And just in case you were going to write "I know Trina is looking down and laughing right now!" well, please don't because really, you DON'T know that she is looking down and laughing so please don't say that.

Anyway, I already have my first story written in my head and boy is it a doozy.

So to recap, the next 2 weeks are absolute hell for us. I may not be responding to emails, texts, phone calls or door knocks for the next two weeks. Good thing Amanda has our garage code :) But I will be trying to do the opposite, every time I feel such a physical pain of grief I will try to sit down and write something so funny. OH! And I'm also going to take this time to complain.

Complain.

Complain about all the insignificant, stupid, worthless, pieces of shit, specks in the wind "problems" I have and make them seem like a "normal" person's problems. Instead of reading about these "problems" from other people and wanting to yell at them "AT LEAST YOUR CHILD ISN'T DEAD!!! AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T HAVE CANCER RUIN AND STEAL YOUR PERSON! AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE A SEVERELY BRAIN DAMAGED BEAUTIFUL CHILD!" That last one was for Jen because let's face it, EVERYONE'S problems seem so beyond, BEYOND, teeny tiny when you think of what her, Dave and Aviana deal with day in, day out, in limbo.

My goal:

In the next two weeks complain about trivial bullshit.

Write at least 10 embarrassing stories of myself..... or somebody else's if they had the bad luck to have me around. I'm the person who when someone falls in front of me I DON'T ask them if they got hurt and try to help them up. I'm the one who's trying so damn hard to cover my mouth to hide my giggles and also making sure my whole body isn't shaking with laughter at them. Given I have had the opportunity to be around such sad, unlucky people, I think I shall make my goal just fine :)

So there. And please excuse any grammar errors, I'm not re-reading this, I'm off to bed. Kids go back to school tomorrow and I have to get back on my morning routine.

Two Years

Today is January 2.

Two years ago today is when sissy entered the hospital for what was to be a "routine" blood transfusion as she was feeling weak.

Two years ago today I knew she was dying.

Two years ago today Asa woke up for the first time without his mom as she had already left for the hospital when he got up. Papa stayed at the house so Asa didn't have to get up and come over here.

Two years ago today I ripped down all my outdoor Christmas stuff to help keep my mind busy. It didn't work.

Two years ago today started the worst week.

Two years ago was the beginning of a new decade.

Two years ago was January two.

We had such high hopes for a new decade.

Two years ago........

Today starts us reliving each and every day of the next two weeks.

The two worst weeks of my life.

Maybe.

There have been days and weeks in the past two years that were harder than I ever thought possible.

Two years ago today sissy had a week to live.

Two years is not a long amount of time.

Two years is an infinite amount of time.

Two years has brought an insane, immeasurable, unbelievable amount of change.

Two years.

104 weeks.

730 days.

17,520 hours.

1,051,200 minutes.

Trust me, some of those minutes seemed like hours. Some of those minutes I didn't think I could make it to the next one.

Each one of those 1,051,200 minutes counts.