We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Sunday, February 26, 2012

Dreams

I've had dreams about Trina and I always wake up crying from them. No matter what, they haunt me the rest of my day and become impossible to shake. These dreams have a common theme in that sissy always comes back but we have only a small amount of time with her. For some reason 45 minutes keeps coming up. I have all of these questions for her, how does Asa like this, what did you do to get Asa to do that, do you remember when we did that? All of this, frantically, in less than 45 minutes because then she would die again. Also in all of these dreams she has died from cancer and is dying again of cancer. They are pretty much the same dreams I had after my grandpa died in May 2001. I was very close to my grandpa. He died of cancer and I always blamed myself for not being there when he died. I should have spent the night. You see his and my grandmothers house was right next to my parents cabin, a two hour drive from my home. From the moment mom told me the doctors gave grandpa two weeks to live I took a leave of absence from work and drove to see him everyday. I then also drove home every night. I didn't want to spend the night. There was something inside of me that I fought with that was keeping me from being able to spend the night. I just plain didn't want to do it.

So I didn't.

Monday night I said my goodbyes to everyone, the family members who didn't leave (Beya among them) and said I would see everyone tomorrow.

I didn't.

I was just getting ready to leave my apartment to make the drive when mom called me and let me know there was no longer any need for any further trips. Grandpa had died early morning May 8, 2001. It was this traumatic event that made me seek a therapist and I've been seeing Dr. B every since! Best thing to ever come out of that situation.

For YEARS I had the same recurring dream. Grandpa's back! We have only a few minutes to ask him something! Hurry! Gather around the dining room table to ask him questions! A side note: the dining room table I always picture in my head is the one where we had all of our family dinners, holidays or many a family get together. Grandpa had re-stained it and done a lot of work to the table to make it his and grandma's.

I'm so grateful to have it sitting in my dining room as I write this. The table is now mine.

After Trina died I had the same types of dreams. Trina is dead but she comes back for a minute amount of time. Things are so frantic as we try to get all of our questions answered before she dies again.

Until last night.

Last night's dream was one I never could have even dreamed of.

People keep talking about this "peace" they feel when they dream of their loved one. They say they have this wave of peace and peacefulness envelope their body during the dream and wake up as if they had just talked to their loved one. Secretly I've been going "uh oh, what were they smoking before they went to bed?" Or "what drug cocktail do you have be on because I want to try THAT one!" I keep having dreams of sissy and I wake up feeling more sad, broken, alone and empty than before the damn dream which is why I HATE having dreams of sissy.

Last night my dream was something totally different.

We were all out on a deck and when I looked up there was sissy.
"You're HERE?" I asked her.
"Yes" she answered simply.
"Can others see you?" I questioned. "Are you real?"
At that time mom walked by and I asked mom "Can you see sissy?"
Mom agreed that yes, she could see sissy. It was at that time Asa came flying in between sissy and me, waved his hand up in my direction and said "Hey Sissy!"
I looked at Trina and said "Does Asa not see you?"
"He isn't ready yet." Trina calmly answered.
The whole time I'm just staring at her. Time has stopped even though other things are going on around us, the kids are playing but the fear and frantic feeling of "ohmygoshshe'sgoingtoleavesoon" wasn't there.

I felt peaceful.

In my dream I felt peaceful. I felt as if we were just hanging out on a deck watching the kids laugh and play. Because mom could see her the three of us started talking but we had to be careful to not address sissy directly when Asa was within ear shot. As we were on the deck watching the kids sissy serenely looked around and looked at the kids and said "Asa's happy. I'm glad he's happy. He's having fun" and with that she would smile a smile I had never seen come from her face before. It was a light in her that radiated calmness.

Which is why I felt bad when I had to address the elephant in the room.

Sissy had a mullet.

"Why do you have a mullet?" I asked her. Mom started laughing as she too had noticed it but could not be the one to point it out.
"What do you mean?" Trina fingered her hair.
"I mean, YOU HAVE A MULLET!!!!" I answered more forcefully.
"Oh," sissy laughed at me. "They don't care about stuff like that there. It doesn't matter there."
"Well it matters to me!" I picked up a pair of scissors and cut her hair and voila! it looked just like it had pre-cancer diagnosis (May 3, 2009 for anyone following at home). Sissy was back to her usual glory. But her clothes. I can't describe them, I don't know if she had any on. Everything was perfect, now that I had rid her of that hideous mullet! I also knew that she would have to leave but it was kind of like that feeling in the back of your head when you know you're going to need to get more milk but want to wait and see how long you can go without actually going and getting it?

Mom, sissy and I talked, laughed and there weren't any tears. There was nothing frantic. There was a lot of watching the kids. Sissy seemed to be loving that the most. Every once in a while I would ask mom again "Mom, do you see sissy? Is she real?" and mom would answer that yes indeed, sissy was real, albeit temporary.

But the calmness. I cannot stress, haha, how calm and serene I felt. Sissy was ok. She was "somewhere" where they don't care about haircuts. Not sure if they wear clothes. But she was happy. She told me "I just wanted to see for myself that you are ok. You told me you would be but I just wanted to make sure."

We were all serene and happy and content.

And pretty soon sissy did leave.

And in my dream I was left feeling calm and serene.

And then I woke up.

I didn't remember my dream right away and when I did i let it sink in a little at a time.
I talked it over with mom and she has come to conclusion that I just received my answer, the question of which is "what happens when you die?"

I would love to believe that you go somewhere, anywhere, but I'm still not sold. However, I've totally rejected the opinion that I was raised in which is once you die, you no longer know anything and you lay in the ground until the second coming of Christ when all the dead people are let free from their

THAT I totally reject. The Adventist church also pressures you to be good enough to get into Heaven but they feel that Hell is something the evil Catholic church came up with.

I don't believe in heaven or hell and haven't for about 20 years.

What DO I believe in ? What do I believe happens to you after you die?

This is what I know for sure.

NOBODY knows.

I still miss my sister. My appendage. My best friends. The one who would grocery shop at my house. There is never one second of one day of one week that goes by that my brain ticker isn't constantly shouting in my brain "YOUR SISTER IS GONE!!!!!"""""

4 comments:

Nicole R. said...

Cameo... I have CHILLS reading this post. Wow..... i'm glad that you felt peace and not frantic with this dream.

Grama said...

Hope this isn't a duplicate I don't think my comment went thru

Anyway I just want to say how happy I am for you to have had this dream. I hope you continue to have this peace.

Mel said...

Wow - I just came across your blog - you are my neighbor to the right. Your post totally brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss, and I look forward to reading more of your inspiring posts.

Mel

Sac Hermes Plume said...
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