We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

I Hate

I hate the fact that I miss my sister.

I hate that in my head I have imaginary conversations with her instead of the real ones we should be having.

I hate that I will think of something as a year or two ago but in reality I have the ruler of "was that before or after she died?"

I hate that 26 months ago she died.

I hate the 9th of the month.

I hate the 2nd of the month.

I hate the 15th of the month.

I hate the rest of the month.

I hate that 34 months ago she was diagnosed with cancer and given 2-3 years to live.

I hate that she died eight months later.

I hate that Asa doesn't have his mom.

I hate that Valentina is so clingy with me in some part because she knows that I could die at any time. She saw it happen with Asa's mom.

I hate it that sissy isn't here to talk about her Vali.

I hate that I can't take Asa's side of things as an aunt and spoil him.

I hate that every time I see a Chevy Blazer for a split second I wonder why sissy is out running errands without me.

I hate that I take the long way to the store to avoid driving past her house.

I hate that I have to avert my eyes when I see the "sister" greeting cards.

I hate that I don't have sissy to vent to.

I hate that I can't call her.

I hate that she isn't here to talk me into buying stuff that I don't need.

I hate that I can't listen to her laugh.

I hate that I can't listen to her complain how tired she is.

I hate that I miss her phone calls and then keep getting a busy signal when I call her back because we're both calling each other at the same time.

I hate that I can't gossip to her.

I hate that I can't gang up on mom with her.

I hate that we have missed countless adventures together.

I hate that I can't ever go to a spa again.

I hate that I get eye rolls from my husband about not being able to do something because it hurts too much and he thinks I "should be over it."

I hate that I can't listen to the radio because I never know when a song will come on that will bring all sorts of memories and emotions of us.

I hate that mom has lost her oldest daughter.

I hate that at one point I will become older than my sister.

I hate that my sister is gone.


Anonymous said...

I don't think you ever "get over" losing someone you loved so much. What really sucks is having to be forced to make that loss part of your "new reality," - a reality without her that you certainly didn't want or need.

"I'm sorry" seems so inadequate for the loss of your beloved sister. I read your pain and I feel so badly for you.

I lost my closest friend years ago to a tragic auto accident. Sometimes in my grief the hardest thing for me to do was to remember that her death did not define her life... her smile, her laugh, her zest for living - that defined her. Over time - a long time - that has given me some peace. I hope someday you are able to find a similar peace for yourself.

Sac Hermes Plume said...
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