We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Sunday, May 20, 2012


Sometimes I want to scream,
Sometimes I want to hide.
Sometimes I want to wish
All of this goodbye.

Sometimes I try to disconnect,
Sometimes I try to shut down.
Sometimes I feel like my grief
Is so strong it makes no sound.

Sometimes I shut my eyes
Sometimes I try not to think
Sometimes I feel like my wrath
Is so strong I can rip out the kitchen sink.

Sometimes I grab things
Sometimes I even throw
Sometimes I feel like anger
Has a grasp on me that won't let go.

Sometimes my mind starts to wander
Sometimes I think this isn't real
Sometimes I think I'm incapable
Of being able to really feel.

Sometimes people say I look happy,
Sometimes they say I sound good
Sometimes I want to punch them in the face
Even though it would do no good.

Sometimes I don't allow it,
Sometimes I stop from crying
Sometimes I'm really good
At keeping things away and lying.

Sometimes I tell myself
This can't possibly be life.
Because I never thought I could breathe
Without sissy by my side.

1 comment:

Jen said...

I'm so sorry I have been away so long. I'm so sorry for what I just read. I'm sorry for not coming back and re-creating what I can't totally remember anymore. I just remember being tense as a bored with my teeth clenched and holding my breath until I was done reading your post on Mother's Day.

I vividly remember having to tell myself to relax and to take a breath and to calm down afterward. I remember thinking that if that was the way I felt from merely reading, how must you have actually feel in real life And, then I felt this deep, sinking, sad, feeling. And, I wanted to just be with you so badly.

And then, I went to town and typed out so much...only to have all kinds of posting problems and savagely trying to salvage what I had wrote by copying and pasting into my notes section as I *knew* I was about to lose it as I have so many times before on my stupid phone. But to no avail...

And then, I got struck down by the worst week of headaches in 7 years. The kinds of weeks I used to have before I started Imitrex injections. The suffering of days on end. The kind where I thought I could handle Dave taking a shower, only for him to turn it on and the sound sending me puking. Nice, right? The kind of turning to your left side, only for the same result. Bad move says the stupid head...didn't you know Jen?!?

One shot. Two shot. Three shot. Headache. Really? Three shots and still a headache. What kind of sick joke is that? Anyway, I have been very sick, but they upped my daily med and slowly, very slowly, I have returned from the walking dead. The zombie effect was caused by a combination of the shots wearing your body into oblivion and the upped dose of Topamax casing extreme fatigue. And, unbeknownst to me...PMS was happening in the whole mix too. Yea ME!! Woo freakin' Hoo!! I am finally feeling better and am able to function vertically. I will have to use some of what I am writing here on my bog, b/c I am too lazy to re-write. Thank you my dear!

Then, Saturday...just as I finally got myself into an upright position....Aviana got SO sick. I assume something she picked up at school. Poor little one is terribly sick. You should hear her as I am typing now. As sad as I am that she is sick, she sure does make the sweetest, cutest little sounds when she is in complete and total agony!

Anyway, a long way of talking too much about myself to tell you why I have been absent from YOU!

I miss you.

I love you.

I have been thinking of you non-stop.

I feel for your sadness.

I think this season of Mad Men is lackluster : (

And doesn't help.

I wish you had the other half of your soul back.

It makes me super sad there is nothing I can do,

But tell you I love you.

As that loses its luster too : /