We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Monday, July 30, 2012

August

We are approaching August and that is one of the hardest months. I say that about May (Mother's Day/diagnosis), January (she died), December (duh), October (my birthday, Halloween), February (Valentina's birthday), April (usually Easter), July (Independence Day), June (Father's Day, so hard to see my papa not have his oldest daughter), March (St. Paddy's Day.....whole other post needed for that), September (Asa's birthday) and November (mom's birthday, Thanksgiving).

But August is really, really hard.

August 18 is sissy's birthday.

August 18, 2009 we were supposed to be celebrating her 40th birthday in Vegas.

August 18, 2009 she was supposed to be six months pregnant in Vegas.

August 18, 2009 I threw her an impromptu birthday party that she came to right after her chemo treatment.

August 18, 2009 we were not in Vegas.

August 18, 2009 she wasn't pregnant.

August 18, 2012 she should be turning 43.

We don't talk much about the baby she was carrying when she was diagnosed and I know most people don't understand but I do grieve for her baby. She struggled with wanting to continue the pregnancy and hold off on treatment or having to terminate and proceed with treatment right away. I was the first one to push her to start treatment ASAP. All that was on my mind was that HER life needed to be saved. It was a choice she did not take lightly but she decided she needed to do everything she could to live for Asa, her child that she already had and loved more than anything else, even her baby that she was so desperate to have.

I can't look at baby clothes in the store.

I can't look at baby toys in the store.

We all lost a baby.

I am so incredibly grateful for the two miracles I have, I couldn't have made it this far and this long without them, I know that as sure as I hear the clicking on the keyboard right now. But we didn't just lose sissy, which in and of itself is literally overwhelming, but I lost a niece or nephew. Asa lost a sibling. Valentina lost a cousin. Mom lost a grandchild.

Yes, August is hard.

And it's rapidly approaching us.

2 comments:

Grandma Kathy said...

There is just too much damn loss and unhappiness in this world! I understand how you feel about the baby Trina lost, I would be thinking the same way. I often fantasize about how our (my family and I) lives would be now if my sister and my niece had lived. It's so hard to think about that for too long because then I get really depressed! Don't get me wrong, I have a lot to be grateful for, but sometimes I really feel like we have more unhappiness than happiness in our lives after we have lost a loved one. Know what I mean?

Anyhow, I really need to come visit you guys! I'm going to have to map quest it. I don't think I ever got your address... can you email it.

Thinking about all of you during this hard, hard month. Hugs to all of you!

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