We are approaching August and that is one of the hardest months. I say that about May (Mother's Day/diagnosis), January (she died), December (duh), October (my birthday, Halloween), February (Valentina's birthday), April (usually Easter), July (Independence Day), June (Father's Day, so hard to see my papa not have his oldest daughter), March (St. Paddy's Day.....whole other post needed for that), September (Asa's birthday) and November (mom's birthday, Thanksgiving).
But August is really, really hard.
August 18 is sissy's birthday.
August 18, 2009 we were supposed to be celebrating her 40th birthday in Vegas.
August 18, 2009 she was supposed to be six months pregnant in Vegas.
August 18, 2009 I threw her an impromptu birthday party that she came to right after her chemo treatment.
August 18, 2009 we were not in Vegas.
August 18, 2009 she wasn't pregnant.
August 18, 2012 she should be turning 43.
We don't talk much about the baby she was carrying when she was diagnosed and I know most people don't understand but I do grieve for her baby. She struggled with wanting to continue the pregnancy and hold off on treatment or having to terminate and proceed with treatment right away. I was the first one to push her to start treatment ASAP. All that was on my mind was that HER life needed to be saved. It was a choice she did not take lightly but she decided she needed to do everything she could to live for Asa, her child that she already had and loved more than anything else, even her baby that she was so desperate to have.
I can't look at baby clothes in the store.
I can't look at baby toys in the store.
We all lost a baby.
I am so incredibly grateful for the two miracles I have, I couldn't have made it this far and this long without them, I know that as sure as I hear the clicking on the keyboard right now. But we didn't just lose sissy, which in and of itself is literally overwhelming, but I lost a niece or nephew. Asa lost a sibling. Valentina lost a cousin. Mom lost a grandchild.
Yes, August is hard.
And it's rapidly approaching us.