We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Fast Forward?

My therapist, Dr. B, has come up with some interesting ideas of how to solve some of my life problems. As of late he has suggested some of these things to mom since she is now seeing him too. Sometimes they are so simple and so clear I wonder why I hadn't thought of them. Some of them are so complex that only a therapist would think of them. And some are so idiotic that I tell him to his face it's something I would never do.

One of the latter suggestions was to have me "schedule my grief." Because I am spending all of my emotional energy pushing my grief to the side he thought it might be helpful for me to set aside a time slot to look through my sissy book, read a book I had given to her that was all about sisters and I had written notes in it to her, look at pictures, whatever, anything to bring my grief to the forefront and then do it for an hour. He thought since I like to be control that this would be a way of my controlling how I let my grief out and yet having a "stopping" time so I wouldn't feel overwhelmed.

"That ain't gonna happen" I told him bluntly.

Then a funny thing happened.

I decided to take his absurd advice.

Mom and papa took the kids to the cabin Friday afternoon and didn't come back until Saturday afternoon. Norm was in meetings all day Saturday. I had seen enough scenes of a movie that I knew it would resonate with me and bring my grief to the forefront.

Saturday I watched "The Descendants" all by myself.

The hospital scenes.

The scenes showing the mom unresponsive in the bed.

The scenes of the family seeing friends and family in the hospital.

The scene of the dad having to tell his children that their mom is going to die.

The scenes of the doctor telling the family that there is nothing else to do.

The scene of the doctor saying she's going to die.

I had lived through those scenes.

I had experienced those scenes.

I felt the grief start to swell up from the bottoms of my feet and take over my body.

My eyes welled up and an avalanche of tears built up.

And then I shut down, turned my eyes away from the TV and blocked it out.

I told Dr. B in today's session that I had taken his suggestion and told him what I did.......and what I didn't. Then I asked him something that I had been wondering for the past few weeks.

"Is it possible that I'm done? That I'm done with my grief? That I have just dealt with it and am fine? I am concentrating all of my time and energy right now to the kids, to my family. Is it possible that I've just closed that chapter and I'm ok?"

Dr. B sat back in his chair, lowered his head, locked eyes with me, jutted out his chin and slowly shook his head back and forth.

"Nope."

Bummer.

He went on to explain that I'm not even close to being better because if I was better I'd be able to look at the pictures of sissy and me, I'd be able to welcome the memories, I'd be able to feel. Instead I'm doing the opposite.

"You might be close to having a breakthrough, to actually starting to grieve, to begin the grieving process but you are in no way even close to being 'done' and you never will be 'done'."

Oh.

Inside I knew that but I thought it was worth a shot.

My anxiety has been through the roof which Dr. B said could be a sign that I'm getting close to starting to grieve. Or it could just be that my anxiety is really bad because of what has been going on with Beya and Papa, with them picking cherries, with mom's knees shot, with bruises all over her legs and having to go to the ER from the pain. I hate to see my parents work so hard. I'm glad they are done but unfortunately mom's knees will probably never be the same.

However, we have something that we are so excited about.......THE OLYMPICS START IN 17 DAYS!!!!! You know us, we tend to get a bit obsessive about anything we can possibly get obsessed about. The Olympics have always have been a big thing with our family. I better clear out my DVR because once the Olympics start it will be full!

1 comment:

Jen said...

I think you are awesome for trying it!! I am so proud of you. And Descendants, what a doozy too. I went to see it the day it opened, not knowing one iota what it was about. I was sitting there like, really? Brain injury, coma, tubes, and machines, rolled up towels in the hands? Everyone in the theater was baa hooing, I either had a smirk or was stone faced. I couldn't help it. I was like, oh please people. This ain't nothing. You ain't seen nothing yet. Come home with me, I'll show you some reality!

And I imagine you felt the same, ooohh...oh no, she got hit and now she's in the hospital and it's over...pretty much just like that. No battling cancer, no relapse, no chemo, no endless sickness, no this and that, just gone, just like that.

It's Hollywood. Dying is much prettier in Hollywood. It has to be, can't say I blame them, they only have a couple hours to kill someone off : ) Hee

I was told to do what you were told with Kama, you know schedule my grieving session, take out the cards that were sent, look at things, get the ashes out of the drawer, I haven't done any yet, I can't even think about it. The thought makes me nauseous. I'm not ready, I am just trying to handle the Avi stuff right now, one thing at a time please. Thank you!

I laughed too when she told me to schedule it, you and I are two peas in a pod, but after I left I thought, hmmm...I do trust her on everything else!

You are so awesome Cameo. I can just see your cute, sweet little face in there asking, do you think I am done? Wishing, hoping, wanting so badly to be done. I'm sorry sweetie. I'm sorry that you are not done and that you have to work harder to be done.

Yous and mes...we will get wherever we are getting to together, okay! Deal? Forget all the other stuff the country music deal, and any other deals we have. That will be our one and only deal. That we will always be there for each other and pull each other through this crazy thing called life that we have left. That, for all the other shit that happens, as we both know we have more in store for us, we will always continue to pull - with all our might! We will drag the other from the depths of the worst despair! And that will be the DEAL of all deals!

I {heart} you with all my HEART!

me