We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Crap Door

I love scary movies. I watched "Silent House" on sissy's birthday because I wanted to see something that was mindless yet required my full attention. Boy that fit the bill! A lot of times in scary movies/shows there's the trap door that swallows people whole.

I have a crap door.

Dr. B has described my grief denial as me pushing against a door to a room that is filled with grief. I can't keep the door shut forever and sooner or later the door will open. He has advised me to slowly let the door open so it doesn't blow open causing me to have a full on nervous breakdown. He said just as someone will experience physical problems from pushing on a door I'm having physical problems from keeping my crap door shut.

I've slowly started to let things trickle in.

Very slowly.

I still have years of acceptance ahead of me. I've been in denial for 2 1/2 years, it won't happen overnight or even over a month. I told Dr. B last week that I'm crashing. I feel like I've been running on adrenaline for the past three weeks. He laughed at me and said "you've been running on adrenaline for the past few YEARS." I had to agree with him. Yes, I'm crashing but along with crashing I don't have as much energy to keep my crap door shut which causes grief to creep in.

But the thing with grief creeping in is I have started to see what a physical toll this denial has had on me. All of my doctors (Dr. B, my psychiatrist Dr. H, my PCP Dr. S and most of all Dr. Beya) have told me what this is doing to my body but I didn't realize how far I was pushing it. I can't explain or describe it. I know, me, of all people, am at a loss for words. A loss of DESCRIPTIVE words.

I guess that should show exactly how far I've been pushing myself.