I saw my psychiatrist Dr. H yesterday. Our session went something like this:
Me - Well I'm not in the middle of a panic attack today, so that's good. Last time I was having a panic attack when I saw you. I feel like I'm a broken record. I know my meds are working and that there's nothing that can be done and I'm doing ok and nothing can be changed but I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm just so tired. I feel like I don't have any fight left in me. Trina's birthday was a week ago last Saturday and I'm crashing. I saw Dr. B and told him that I've been running on adrenaline for a few weeks and he said it's been more like a few years. I just feel defeated. But I have the sensory overload. I get overwhelmed very easily. If someone asks me one thing I feel like it's three. I feel like I'm juggling five balls at all times and they always fall down, I can't catch them. But I get frustrated for not catching them and then I get tired of trying to. I just feel like I can't do it. But I also feel like I might be having that small breakthrough. I know she's gone but I still can't deal with it. I can't look at any of the pictures of her and I together. My safe is full of stuff of the two of us together. I have boxes of cards and pictures and things of hers under my bed that I can't look at but I know I need to. My mom is good at not pushing me to do it but I know I need to but I can't. I'm tired of trying and pushing it away but I know I can't handle it all at once so I try to let things in slowly but then I think I need to hurry up and get it over with but I know it doesn't work like that. I don't like people. I can't stand my neighbors but I have to deal with them. Asa's soccer schedule is ramping up again and we'll be having things 3 times a week plus I need to get Valentina in dance again and I haven't done it yet and school is starting and I don't like the parents. I really don't like anyone but I can fake it but they piss me off inside. I'm just tired.
Dr. H (stifling a smile) - I know I sound like a broken record but you really are doing ok. You have grief first and foremost and the anxiety is compounding that and along with the bi-polar but you really are handling things well.
Me - Am I bipolar? I mean really? I read a sign somewhere "I'm bi-polar. I hate it. I love it." And that's how I feel. I just don't know what to do.
Dr. H - What you've just described to me is textbook bi-polar. You're telling me two conflicting sides of yourself. You feel like you can't do everything and then you get frustrated that you can't and feel like you're a failure and then you try harder to do it and it's a cycle that you put yourself through. You can't do everything.
Me - But I need to! And I have to do everything perfectly! And I know I can't but I need to.
Regurgitate the above for another 20 minutes and that was my conversation. His final say? He told me to not think about everything I need to do or am not doing or what I think I'm not doing good enough and to just take every day as it comes and just do what I need to do that second. "I'm telling you to take six months off. Every time you think you need to do this or deal with that, tell yourself Dr. H told you not to."
I was suddenly reminded of "What About Bob".
Dr. Leo Marvin - Bob, I'm writing you a prescription to take a vacation from your problems.
Bob Wiley - A vacation. From my problems. Yeah. A vacation from my problems. A. Vacation. From. My. Problems.
Beya and I have often quoted "What About Bob" and laughed about it but now I've officially become Bob Wiley.