We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Thursday, November 29, 2012


First off, Beya turned 60 on Sunday!!!! Happy birthday mom. I still have the birthday post to write. 

But right now I want to talk about Thanksgiving. 

It was nice. And that is saying a lot!

The first year after sissy died mom's birthday was ON Thanksgiving and we couldn't deal with anyone. We sent everyone out to see their families and the two of us stayed home. I made pizza and we watched "Bruno", "Borat" and "The Hangover". We couldn't do Thanksgiving. 

Last year we made dinner for the 7 of us. I don't remember any of this (or the dinner itself) but mom says I refused to call it Thanksgiving, it was just a family dinner that happened to be turkey, mashed potatoes, dressing and cranberry sauce. Very low key. 

This year we had Thanksgiving. 

Norm's grandma recently moved up here from Albuquerque so we had her and one of her sons over. I called it Thanksgiving. We watched the parade. We set the table. I put out the bowl of olives that my grandma always used to do and that sissy and I always did. We had Thanksgiving dinner with people. 

We had Thanksgiving. 

It was nice. 

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


I cannot stress enough how I DO NOT walk around the house, crying or moping, ESPECIALLY when the kids are around. I let all of my dark and twisty thoughts out here, on you guys, and I can imagine it gets pretty old and boring. I DO have so much to be thankful for and I am, every day. And at the same time I'm angry. I told my psychiatrist today that I'm in awe of the fact that I still have my lamps, my tv, my mirrors, still intact when all I want to do is scream and break everything in sight. I want to shout, to yell, to scream......but not cry. I hate to cry. And yet while I'm fighting the urge to run through the house like a bull through a china shop I'm also tired. I'm so tired of dealing, I'm so tired of grieving, I'm so tired of feeling. I feel so defeated and deflated. It's really quite exhausting to have all of these conflicting thoughts and feelings at the same time. According to my psychiatrist and therapist it's a combination of the grief, bipolar, everyday stress and my depression. I ebb and flow. Right now I'm a wave crashing into a rocky cliff with the force of a hurricane. And yet nobody around me can tell. Even mom has no idea until she reads my blog. I take that back, she knows I'm bad and can tell I'm angry but she doesn't know the extent until I verbalize it which I try not to do. I prefer to write my feelings, I'm much better at that than actually talking about it.

ANYWAY, I'm so thankful for my parents, for my children, for my husband who provides so well for ALL of us. I'm grateful for our house, for electricity, for our health, for my car, for my home decor. I'm grateful for the kids' perfect bedrooms, for my new light in the dining room and my new ceiling fan in the family room. I'm grateful for FINALLY getting the family room redone, for sissy's teapot that sits on my stove, for having all four burners working on my stove. I'm grateful that I can keep my pain somewhat under control, that I'm not paralyzed, that the kids have such amazing teachers and that the school is so close.

Thursday I will be VERY grateful for my Mike's Magic Sunset cocktail!!!!!! It is sooooo yummy!!! Mom and I will be "pulling a Trina", drinking and saying cheers in her honor.

Just in case you want to do the same, here is the recipe:

Fill glass with ice
1 shot Pinnacle Whipped
2 shots pineapple juice
splash of grenadine
top with whip cream

Drink it really fast and then have another one, after all I'll be thankful that I bought enough stuff to make many, many Mike's Magic Sunset!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

"If eyes are the window to the soul,
then grief is the door.
As long as it's closed it's the barrier
between knowing and not knowing.
Walk away from it and it stays closed forever
but open it and walk through it,
and pain becomes truth."

- "Dexter"

"It was a waste of a trip, she's not here" I tell him. "She's not here. You can hiss all you like. You won't find Prim." At her name, he perks up. Begins to meow hopefully. "Get out!" He dodges the pillow I throw at him. "Go away! There's nothing left for you here!" I start to shake, furious with him. "She's not coming back! She's never ever coming back here again!" I grab another pillow and get to my feet to improve my aim. Out of nowhere, the tears begin to pour down my cheeks. "She's dead." I clutch my middle to dull the pain. Sink down on my heels, rocking the pillow, crying. "She's dead, you stupid cat. She's dead." A new sound, part crying, part singing, comes out of my body, giving voice to my despair. Wave after wave of sobs racks my body, until eventually I fall unconscious. But he must understand.

He must know that the unthinkable has happened and to survive will require previously unthinkable acts.

- Katniss Everdeen
  "Mockingjay" by Suzanne Collins

Tuesday, November 06, 2012







Thursday, November 01, 2012

Thank You Mom And Papa

I've been reminded lately just how awesome my parents are. Not that I ever forget but these are just a few reasons/memories to let you know how lucky I am to have my parents be MY parents.

I was thinking of River Phoenix yesterday as he died on Halloween in 1993. I was a big fan of his and I grew up about 6 hours from where he had lived when he was younger. I begged my parents to take me to Madras, Oregon, just to see the town. Well, I didn't have to beg as they were more than willing to take the trip, just to let me see the town. That was all. We didn't do anything, we just drove through Madras. All of that time and gas money taken up just so I could see where one of my hero's lived.

That wasn't all. Back when "Twin Peaks" was on I was already a David Lynch fanatic. Yes, they drove me to Snoqualmie, Washington so I could see where it had been filmed. We missed the filming crew by a few weeks but I didn't care. Again, a very long day and a very long drive just so I could see what the real "Great Northern Hotel" was (The Salish Lodge) and eat cherry pie at the "Double R Diner" (really the Mar-T Cafe) and have a "damn fine cup of coffee." I had an entire scrapbook devoted to "Twin Peaks" and again my parents indulged me in this dream of mine.

I always questioned religion especially what I was raised, Seventh-Day Adventist. Although mom really believed in it (she has since come to her senses and left, haha) she never suppressed my questions, she encouraged me to talk to the Pastor, to write him letters asking why he was doing this, preaching about that when it made absolutely no sense to me. Whenever he would start bashing other churches, something I felt was wrong, mom let me stand up tall and walk out of his sermons. She didn't care that my beliefs conflicted with hers, she gave me the freedom to follow MY path and determine what was right for ME.

These are just a few of the examples of the countless things my parents took the time (and spend money we didn't have) to make MY dreams come true. I am so grateful to have them not just a part of my life but to have them BE my life. I'm so grateful to have them live with me. I'm so grateful for all that they do for me every day. I'm so grateful for what they do with my kids every day. I'm so grateful to have them every day. I'm so grateful that they are MY parents.

Thank you mom and papa.