We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Clarification

I cannot stress enough how I DO NOT walk around the house, crying or moping, ESPECIALLY when the kids are around. I let all of my dark and twisty thoughts out here, on you guys, and I can imagine it gets pretty old and boring. I DO have so much to be thankful for and I am, every day. And at the same time I'm angry. I told my psychiatrist today that I'm in awe of the fact that I still have my lamps, my tv, my mirrors, still intact when all I want to do is scream and break everything in sight. I want to shout, to yell, to scream......but not cry. I hate to cry. And yet while I'm fighting the urge to run through the house like a bull through a china shop I'm also tired. I'm so tired of dealing, I'm so tired of grieving, I'm so tired of feeling. I feel so defeated and deflated. It's really quite exhausting to have all of these conflicting thoughts and feelings at the same time. According to my psychiatrist and therapist it's a combination of the grief, bipolar, everyday stress and my depression. I ebb and flow. Right now I'm a wave crashing into a rocky cliff with the force of a hurricane. And yet nobody around me can tell. Even mom has no idea until she reads my blog. I take that back, she knows I'm bad and can tell I'm angry but she doesn't know the extent until I verbalize it which I try not to do. I prefer to write my feelings, I'm much better at that than actually talking about it.

ANYWAY, I'm so thankful for my parents, for my children, for my husband who provides so well for ALL of us. I'm grateful for our house, for electricity, for our health, for my car, for my home decor. I'm grateful for the kids' perfect bedrooms, for my new light in the dining room and my new ceiling fan in the family room. I'm grateful for FINALLY getting the family room redone, for sissy's teapot that sits on my stove, for having all four burners working on my stove. I'm grateful that I can keep my pain somewhat under control, that I'm not paralyzed, that the kids have such amazing teachers and that the school is so close.

Thursday I will be VERY grateful for my Mike's Magic Sunset cocktail!!!!!! It is sooooo yummy!!! Mom and I will be "pulling a Trina", drinking and saying cheers in her honor.

Just in case you want to do the same, here is the recipe:

Fill glass with ice
1 shot Pinnacle Whipped
2 shots pineapple juice
splash of grenadine
top with whip cream

Drink it really fast and then have another one, after all I'll be thankful that I bought enough stuff to make many, many Mike's Magic Sunset!

1 comment:

Jen said...

Clarification: I could never see you as the type of person who mopes around, feeling sorry for yourself, all sad and depressed.

I know what you mean...the blog is the place to let it all hang out, sort of as a punching bag, and then to walk away. But the problem is...you don't want people to think you walk away and THIS is how you ARE, especially all.the.time!! What misery that would be to be around. But truly, it doesn't matter what they think, because really who are they that read? I don't really know. Oh Cameo...are you worried about ME?? How sweet of you to worry what I THINK OF YOU. HA HA!!! I'm just kidding my sweet, and oh so sourly sweet!

No really, my gosh...I bet you ARE tired from carrying the heavy weight of all of that! It must be a heavy load to keep all of that inside of you.

I started writing a post yesterday called, "Both Sides Now" because I too am two different people, before and after, but also now, all rolled up in one! How's that for confusing, but I know you understand, and anyone else who has been rocked by tragedy. But I think we all are so multifaceted, because like you, I can relate to feeling so incredibly blessed on the one hand and then so angry (mine is at times though) on the other...and having these two gel in the same body, and at the same time can be a lot of work and extremely conflicting.

It was much easier to be a person, when just feeling blessed and blessed only. Adding grief, anger, frustration, holy mother!

I hope if your way is to write, then you write away! Keep writing, writing, writing. Never stop. And I hope you never let what it might look like to others matter because, how does it go? Those who mind, don't matter and those who matter won't mind, right?

I love you so much!! And your whole family too! I know it's going to hurt like hell tomorrow, but I will still wish you a Happy Holiday.

me