I ordered new glasses yesterday. It has been a little more than four years since I got my last pair. Sissy always used to go with me to pick out my frames. The last time I got a pair of glasses we decided on the ones I have after we agreed they weren't too "Sarah Palin-ish".
Yesterday I picked them out with Beya.
This afternoon I was looking at my old ones and finding a glass case to put them in when I thought "Ha! Sissy is going to love that my new glasses are Michael Kors to match my new Michael Kors purse! Wait. Why didn't I already tell her this? I did this yesterday. Wait, why wasn't she with me? Why didn't she help me pick out my glasses?"
And yet yesterday all I could keep thinking of is that it should have been the three of us looking for frames for me. Mom is amazing, I don't want to take ANYTHING away from her. There are just some things I used to do with sissy and sissy alone.
It's just plain wrong that she isn't here to do these things with me.
It's wrong that it's been almost 35 months since she could do anything with me.
It's wrong that next month will be 3 years.
There are times when all I want to do is forget. Forget that she was ever here. Forget that I had a sister. Forget that there was another half of me. Forget that most of my identity was ripped away.
There are times when I think "I need to go to sissy's house" or "I wonder when her and Asa are going to come over" or "let me call sissy to tell her Chez Norm is open for Sunday breakfast" or "holy shit, I can't wait to tell sissy!"
There are times when I think I should be at the hospital with her. That I should be sitting with her and giving mom a rest. That I should be talking to her doctor. That I should be asking more questions.
Instead I squeeze my eyes shut to keep the tears from coming.
Instead I keep my eyes open to see that I have two wonderful children, my parents are still alive and a husband who loves me.