This will be our third one without her. The first one we did have Josh's, just like always. I don't remember it other than we were all on auto pilot, nobody knowing what to do but just trying to keep doing the same as if she were there. In fact mom and I were talking yesterday how crazy papa went when she first died. The first few days he was certifiable. I mean he wore a black headband as tight as he could and just wandered aimlessly, talking to himself. Mom and I laughed "we've never come out of it, have we?" No, no we haven't. We pretend we have, we act as though we have, we put on a pretty good front, but we haven't.
Shit, there was something else I was going to write but now I can't remember it. And I haven't even taken my ambien!
I had a dream the other night. In my dream I told sissy we needed to go away, just the two of us. We decided to go to Cabo for two nights, just her and me. Even in my dream I was taking care of her, "I'll pay for the hotel and give you spending money, just pay for your airline ticket and that's all you'll need!" I told her in my dream. We were so excited to go.
Then I woke up.
I always wake up.
I always wake up.
OH! I read my title of this post and remembered what else I was going to write.
A few years ago sissy gave me a cross keychain. I loved it. After a few years it slowly fell apart. First the bottom of the cross fell off. Then one of the sides. Then the other side. Pretty soon all that was left was the top part where it connects to the round thing that holds the keys.
Two years ago, October 2009, I told sissy I wanted a new one from her for my birthday. That's all that I wanted, just another cross keychain from her. I had found one that was exactly the same as my old one. I pointed it out to her at the store, too superstitious to even touch it before she had put her hands on it first. It had to be from her and not contaminated by me until she had bought it. She gave it to me (along with my beloved pair of grey Converse that I wear almost every day) and deep down a part of me knew it was the last birthday present I would get from her. I didn't want to think that but I think that's why I refused to touch it before she did.
Anyway, for the past 27 months I've kept an eye on it, wanting to make sure I noticed if it started to fall apart so I could get it fixed. A few nights ago Norm asked me if I wanted to take my cross off my keychain because one part of it fell off. He knew how much it meant to me and thought I knew it had started to fall apart. I couldn't deal with it so I told him to just leave it alone. Yesterday, before I left the house, I took off my cross keychain. I don't want to lose any more pieces of it. I was in a hurry so I couldn't take the time to really let it sink in that I was actually taking off my cross, which right now as I sit here and write it I'm having a small anxiety attack. Instead I attached it to the other three keychains I bought with her at concerts we had gone to together. My cross is now at home on the key hook with INXS, Coldplay and The Killers.
I never knew how empty my keychain could look or how sad just looking at it could make me.