I'm getting all my dark and twisty Meredith Grey stuff out in this post because my next one will be about Valentina's birthday party that we had yesterday and I don't like to taint the kids' posts with my dark and twisty stuff.
I've had two panic attacks in the past three weeks but I had completely forgotten about them. I cannot stress how helpful it is to have mom go to therapy with me because she reminds me of so much shit that happens that I forget about and vice versa. That and we both have different views on things so it's nice to have Dr. B give us his take stuff. I told Dr. B I didn't remember a trigger for either one of them and he said "an anxiety level for a panic attack is here (raised his hand) and a normal persons anxiety is here (put his other hand about two feet below his panic attack hand). Your anxiety level is here (raised his normal hand to about a half inch below his panic attack hand) so any little thing can set you off. You don't even really need to know the trigger, the smallest shift can give you an attack." It all made sense. I had also stumbled across this blog that referenced the book "Why Zebra's Don't Get Ulcers". I'm getting the book so I can read it but the blogger explained that it was about fight or flight and when a zebra if fleeing all the zebra thinks about is fleeing, puts all it's energy into that and nothing else matters. The blogger went on to talk about when we flee we put all of our energy into the stress and that's why our immune system tanks. How ironic it talked about a sucky immune system since I've been sick for a month. I actually went to the doctor after two weeks and found out I had a sinus infection. The antibiotic helped me and then I got sick again. Anyway, mom and I were talking about it and Dr. B confirmed that I definitely flee. I'm not a stay and fight person unless my back is up against the wall and then I can fight like crazy but I flight as much as I can. He also told me I have dissociative disorder. The good news is that it's not pathological and I have control over it, therefore it's not really harmful to me. I can still do things and parent and care about people, it's just a coping mechanism I've had and it's really kicked in since Trina got sick and then really settled in to stay after she died. He talked about me having it so lightly and that he's known me to always have it but I never knew it. Funny how there are major things in our lives that are so obvious to others but completely unknown to us. Just like when I got my antibiotic from my doctor there's a separate sheet of paper that shows what I got treated for and any chronic or current problems. It's always surprising to me to see bipolar disorder and severe depression on there. I don't know why, but there's something about seeing something in black and white.
Or black and blue, which brings me to explaining my post title.
When sissy was in the hospital she developed some bed sores on her leg and about 2 days later I got bruising on my legs in the exact same spot. Ever since then whenever I get under a tremendous amount of stress (more than usual) or at anniversaries or birthdays, I get bruises on my legs. It always varies depending on the event. I may not even realize it's a significant date until I take a shower and see big bruises on my leg. Then I think of what the date is and sure enough, it always coincides with some date. It wasn't surprising to me when last week I started getting them because Valentina's party was coming up. I'm always thinking, either in the back of my mind or the front of my mind, that at Valentina's last birthday party with sissy she was announcing she was pregnant. One year later not only did we not have a new baby but Trina was gone. She had died. My sister died. It is just unbelievable.
So, back to the title. I asked Dr. B about my bruising. He said he hadn't heard of bruising but he had studied about the monks having stigmata and also sympathy association. He had never known anyone to actually have this but that it was something that would affect people who had an intense connection or were unusually close. He said he wasn't surprised that I would have it. Mom asked him if it was possible that our minds could shut down certain parts and function off other sections because something was too painful. He said absolutely, it's a state of shock and for us, we're still going through it. "How long will this last? I don't know but I know that you aren't out of it and not even close to coming out of it" was his actual statement.
On the flip side, talk about still being able to feel. I cannot remember the last time I was so damn excited about something. I found little Solo cups with LIDS and STRAWS!!!!! I was thrilled when I saw them at Target and even happier that they had them in green to match the color scheme of Valentina's party! I think I told everyone at the party about them and showed them off. These dumbass cups had me more excited than when I got my bell...... maybe. I don't know, I use my bell quite a bit and I keep it on my counter. I use it almost every day. But I did like my cups. Maybe it's a tie.
So that is how therapy went and what I'm feeling.... or not as the case may be. One thing I ALWAYS feel is love for the kids and my immediate family. I am so grateful for mom and papa, they work so hard for me. Norm works hard to provide for our family and the kids are my saving grace just by being themselves. I'm also very, very fortunate to have had the most amazing sister and such an unbreakable bond with her, no matter what. Even in death I'm not separated from her.