This grief and sadness and disbelief of what has happened never ends. Mom asked me if I ever feel like I take two steps forward and then get hit with five steps back. I explained to her that I feel more like when I think I'm doing somewhat ok I realize I'm just in denial and then something happens and I get slapped with reality and retreat even more into my disconnect.
The first half of every month is always so draining. It never stops. Every damn month I relive each day until the 15th. And then the second half of the month I try to deny the fact that my sister is gone forever. That I no longer have my person. Then a new month starts and I'm back at the top of the vicious, never ending circle. Norm and I used to have a saying, "I love you infinity z'd" which the z'd meant more than infinity squared. Our wedding bands are even engraved with the infinity symbol.
I never thought that an infinity symbol would conjure up so many other things. Of course it's a major part of my guilty pleasure, "Revenge" but it's also my emotions.
Grief infinity z'd.