We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Thursday, March 01, 2012

Never ending

This grief and sadness and disbelief of what has happened never ends. Mom asked me if I ever feel like I take two steps forward and then get hit with five steps back. I explained to her that I feel more like when I think I'm doing somewhat ok I realize I'm just in denial and then something happens and I get slapped with reality and retreat even more into my disconnect.

The first half of every month is always so draining. It never stops. Every damn month I relive each day until the 15th. And then the second half of the month I try to deny the fact that my sister is gone forever. That I no longer have my person. Then a new month starts and I'm back at the top of the vicious, never ending circle. Norm and I used to have a saying, "I love you infinity z'd" which the z'd meant more than infinity squared. Our wedding bands are even engraved with the infinity symbol.

I never thought that an infinity symbol would conjure up so many other things. Of course it's a major part of my guilty pleasure, "Revenge" but it's also my emotions.

Grief infinity z'd.