We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

I Hate

I hate the fact that I miss my sister.

I hate that in my head I have imaginary conversations with her instead of the real ones we should be having.

I hate that I will think of something as a year or two ago but in reality I have the ruler of "was that before or after she died?"

I hate that 26 months ago she died.

I hate the 9th of the month.

I hate the 2nd of the month.

I hate the 15th of the month.

I hate the rest of the month.

I hate that 34 months ago she was diagnosed with cancer and given 2-3 years to live.

I hate that she died eight months later.

I hate that Asa doesn't have his mom.

I hate that Valentina is so clingy with me in some part because she knows that I could die at any time. She saw it happen with Asa's mom.

I hate it that sissy isn't here to talk about her Vali.

I hate that I can't take Asa's side of things as an aunt and spoil him.

I hate that every time I see a Chevy Blazer for a split second I wonder why sissy is out running errands without me.

I hate that I take the long way to the store to avoid driving past her house.

I hate that I have to avert my eyes when I see the "sister" greeting cards.

I hate that I don't have sissy to vent to.

I hate that I can't call her.

I hate that she isn't here to talk me into buying stuff that I don't need.

I hate that I can't listen to her laugh.

I hate that I can't listen to her complain how tired she is.

I hate that I miss her phone calls and then keep getting a busy signal when I call her back because we're both calling each other at the same time.

I hate that I can't gossip to her.

I hate that I can't gang up on mom with her.

I hate that we have missed countless adventures together.

I hate that I can't ever go to a spa again.

I hate that I get eye rolls from my husband about not being able to do something because it hurts too much and he thinks I "should be over it."

I hate that I can't listen to the radio because I never know when a song will come on that will bring all sorts of memories and emotions of us.

I hate that mom has lost her oldest daughter.

I hate that at one point I will become older than my sister.

I hate that my sister is gone.