We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Monday, March 12, 2012

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

First, the good. I sold our extra, extra vehicle!!! We had a 1993 4Runner that had been sitting for a while. I have my car, Norm has his truck which he rarely uses because he has a company vehicle and then we had the 4Runner. We had just been letting it sit for about a year because Norm didn't bother to do anything with it and I didn't have the emotional time to try to sell it. A few months ago I put it up on craigslist, a few bites, holidays came, the listing expired and I just let it go. Then I decided we needed to get rid of it, I was tired of dicking around and just wanted it gone. I started actively trying to sell it, even going as far as to create a web site for it to direct people to look at from the craigslist posting. Again, I had a few bites but nothing more. Given as I had worked in marketing when I was working in insurance I had a few tricks up my sleeve.  Little did I know that what it finally took was laying everything out there and getting the right person to see the ad. I sold it today at a very fair price to a really nice family guy. I'm so happy!

Next, the bad. Mom says I'm cycling a bit, bipolar wise. This month has really taken it out of me. I don't know why but it has. I'm just in an episode and I know it will pass and soon things will go back to the normal amount of shit instead of the overwhelming amount of shit I feel. Although there are a few variables that I have a feeling will be getting worse shortly.

Finally, the ugly.

Bipolar sucks. There are certain noises that drive me up the wall and make me want to crawl out of my skin. I've looked them up and it turns out they are very common in bipolar people. I've described it to my psychiatrist as everything is amplified. If there's one sound in the house I hear it as five. If there's a conversation going on in the background between the kids and my parents are talking it sounds like there's 50 people talking. The ironic thing is, at the same time all I hear is silence because I don't hear sissy. She talked more than any of us.

I took a mental health test and it came back that my biggest problem was acute anxiety. Duh. Yet another example of I knew it but it's a completely different thing to see it on paper. "Acute anxiety disorder".

I started watching the first episode of "Awake" over the weekend. For those of you that don't know about it, it's a tv show about a detective who was in a car accident with his wife and son. He's living two realities, one where his wife died and his son lived and then he'll wake up and his son died and his wife is alive. He is aware that he's going back and forth and doesn't know which is the dream and which is real. I got about 15-20 minutes into and deleted it. I live in denial in my own reality, I don't need to watch it on tv. Besides, if I were writing the show I'd write it that both lives were dreams and he really wakes up to the fact that both his  wife and son died and he can't face that he lost both of them so instead he disconnects and tries to handle the loss of one of them at a time. But that's just me, what do I know? I only have dissociation disorder. But it's not pathological so it isn't harmful.

I'm also sick again. I swear my immune system is completely non-existent. I'm too busy fleeing from my reality that all of my energy goes into that leaving me with very little left. I've always known that the trifecta of eating too much sugar, lack of sleep and extreme stress will make me sick. It's been that way for years. Before I had my ambien I would go for days existing on only 2-3 hours of sleep. There would be times Norm would be getting up for work and I still hadn't gone to bed. Insomnia has always been a problem of mine. Ambien has made sure I get sleep. The extreme stress is inescapable. The sugar part is my own damn fault, that is the only variable that I can control and Saturday I ate a whole box of Skittles.

Which brings me to the good again.

Last week Asa's class had a green eggs and ham breakfast at school and I went. I love doing those things with him and I love his teacher. I hate eggs and I don't eat ham unless it's in the bacon form so I basically just sat next to Asa and had fun with him. There was a local restaurant that hosted it and they raffled three $25 gift certificates. Asa and I won one!!! We were so surprised and happy! We had to walk up to the front and get it from the principal. Asa was smiling ear to ear. Beya and Papa had planned on going to the cabin this past weekend so I wanted to take the kids to lunch and a movie Saturday so the gift certificate certainly helped! Even so lunch for the 4 of us was $40-50. Then tickets to the movie were another $35. Concessions (which is where my box of Skittles came from) was another $40. But it was all worth it as it was a nice family outing. We saw "The Lorax" but Valentina calls it by it's full name, "Dr. Seuss' The Lorax". She says it all as one word so it's "Dr.Seuss'TheLorax". If she sees anything on TV that shows the Lorax she says "look! It's Dr.Seuss'TheLorax!"

After scrolling through this post I am tempted to just delete the whole thing as I know it sounds so negative and dark and twisty Meredith Grey. But I'm keeping it as I always got upset when sissy would write a post and then delete it. Besides, as the post implies, this is the good, the bad and the ugly.

Right now I have all three in my life.