We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Broken Hearts

Valentina was asking about sissy earlier this evening. Mom and I talked about Trina  and asked Valentina what she remembered about TT. It was heartbreaking to hear Valentina talk mostly about the week that Trina died, of when she shaved her head when her hair started falling out, of how she ate the fruit cup at sissy's hospital bedside. All of her memories are of sissy after cancer.

After talking for about 20 minutes Valentina went and watched some tv in the family room, unknowingly leaving behind nothing but emotional wreckage in the living room with mom and me. Mom simply said "my heart is bleeding." I, on the other hand, used a different analogy to describe my heart. I told mom that I envisioned it to be surrounded by various, ill fitting metal pieces, all screwed shut in a somewhat Frankenstein fashion but not sealing my heart, letting bits and pieces of emotion out, something I fight with all my might against. I hate to cry. I hate to feel. I hate to grieve. I hate to miss. But no matter how much metal I try to shield my heart with there are leaks and gaps.

"The sky is ripped open
and the rain pours through a gaping wound
pelting the women and children
pelting the women and children
They run"

- U2 "Bullet The Blue Sky"

Mom and I see our wounds so differently but the end result is the same.

Our hearts are irretrievably broken.