Monday I had therapy......by myself. Mom was gone so I had to go alone. I told Dr. B I felt like I was missing an appendage. He laughed and said that mom and I were good at going in and saying "well I don't need to be here but SHE does."
I cried at therapy, something I rarely and hate to do. I hate to cry period. If I don't cry I'm not grieving. If I'm not grieving my sister hasn't died, she's just absent from our life at this time. I told him how I had found a picture in my desk of sissy, Beya and me. It was just a picture of the three of us, we were all making dinner together in my kitchen and having fun. I explained to Dr. B how I shoved it away as fast as I could. Not only was it a picture of her but it was a picture of her in what we buried her in. I also told him that I didn't throw the picture away or move it away from my desk, I just pushed it behind some things. Dr. B said that pretty much describes my grief right now, I'm not only pushing away my grieving but I'm also pushing away any memories of her. In short I'm doubling my grief. He also told me I was emotionally handicapped. I tell ya, he has a way of saying things that are so honest and so true and something I know but is still so shocking to hear out loud.
Detached From Reality
The latter means that I have an unusually close bond to mom and if mom is gone from me for any significant amount of time (more than a day) I begin to really separate myself, go to another place mentally, and it causes me not just emotional harm but it is so severe it actually causes me physical harm.
The past few weeks have been increasingly stressful. Mom and Papa were going to be gone for anywhere from 10 to 30 days. As you can imagine it threw me for a fucking loop. I was having anxiety attacks all day, my bruises came back on my legs and my neck/back pain was so severe I was taking pain meds every 90 minutes just to try to keep it bearable. Stress makes me tense up and causes my pain to become worse. The muscle spasms in my neck are so bad they have actually changed the curvature of my neck.
So yes, the past few weeks have been horrid.
But the exceedingly good news is that it turns out mom and papa will NOT be gone!!!! Hell, I even said an "Amen" when mom told me.
I've been reading "Gone With The Wind". I've read it so many times, the first when I was about 12 years old. I always identified with Scarlett, never more so than right now. I told Dr. B that I see the similarities between us. He agreed......to a point. He said I don't use people the same way she did but I do "think about it tomorrow". Then again, when my back is up against a wall I can fight like hell, just like Scarlett. I can scratch, claw and bite as well as the rest of them. I have no idea who "them" is but I can do it like them! Mom finished the book a few weeks ago and for Mothers Day I bought her the movie. We finished it today. We can never just watch a movie beginning to end because something always interrupts us. At the end of the movie I told mom "you know damn well Scarlett got Rhett back because when she puts her mind to it she always gets what she wants and he still loves her so much." Mom agreed with me. I had read the sequel when it came out and I prefer to end it my own way. See? I make things fit my mold of how I think they should be.
Anyway, school is almost done for the kids and I will miss both of their teachers. I am looking forward to having both kids in the same school in the fall though. Asa is so excited to have his little sister in his school! He brought home all of his reading journals that he had written throughout the year and in them he is always talking about his little sister and how much he loves her. It is really quite cute. They are so close, closer than sissy and I were at that age. We were close but we would also fight quite a bit. We would go all afternoon without talking to each other but by night-time we would have made up. I remember talking to her at night when we were both in bed. After Beya and Papa added on to the cabin and we each had our own rooms we would still talk to each other through the door that was between our rooms. That was when I didn't sneak into her room and ask her if I could sleep with her. Oh how she hated it when I slept with her, she said I would take up the whole bed. Yet there were only a handful of times when she said no compared to the hundreds of times I asked.
Okay, enough of that, I'm starting to get emotional and I can't do that!
So that is what has been going on.