We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

The Ugly, The Bad And The Good

First off, it's January 9th. Three years. So let me get some shit, aka the ugly, out of the way before I get to the good. 

I had therapy Monday, blah blah blah, had a major anxiety attack during it but with my trusty ever present xanex I was able to wait it out. That and Dr. B yelling instructions to me, "BREATHE OUT! YOU CAN BREATHE! CALM DOWN!" It was quite comical and I was able to see the humor at the time too. However, in the middle of the night I was having severe pain so I got up to take some pain meds when "it" hit, a full blown panic attack. I didn't pass out but I did blackout. Blah blah blah. 

For the past 2-3 months I have NOT been waking up at the time Trina died on the 9th. Every month without fail, even if I wasn't aware the next day was the 9th I would inexplicably wake up at the exact time she left us. Sometimes I didn't even know it was the 9th until later on in the day. Last night I imbibed with a little alcohol to help me sleep thinking "this will for SURE make me sleep through the night!" Nope. Sure as shit I woke up at that dreaded time. 

So three years. Shitty shitty fuck fuck. 

That's the UGLY. 

The BAD. 

Well, I'm staying off Facebook because (almost) everyone tends to piss me off this month. I've also disabled comments for the same reason. There are only a handful of people who are able to NOT say the wrong thing. I see my psychiatrist in a week or so and we're going to address this "problem." I keep hearing it's me, it's not them but I tend to go the other way. It's stupid people who piss me off and if they weren't so fucking idiotic I'd have no problem with them! 

Ok, the GOOD. 

There is a LOT of good in my life. 

The other day when I picked up the kids from school they were so excited to tell me that "the reptile man" had come to school and brought all these reptiles and HE WAS GOING TO BE THERE AGAIN THAT NIGHT! WITH DIFFERENT REPTILES! "It's only $1 to get in and that's all unless you want a picture taken with an animal and then the picture is only $5!" Oh yeah, both kids had the spiel down pat! I hate reptiles. They were begging me to take them that evening. I tried to say no but the fuss they put up was borderline full on temper tantrum and I didn't feel like dealing with it so I told them we'd table the conversation. Yes, I've taught my kids the meaning of "tabling" a conversation. Not only that but BOTH of them can tell the difference between U2, Kings of Leon and White Stripes. I must admit this is one of my greatest achievements as a mother. That and the fact that neither one of them know a single Justin Bieber song. Oh the accolades I give myself as a mother are very strange, I know. ANYWAY, I kept tabling the whole going to the school that evening to see the reptile man as long as I could for a few reasons. First, I don't like hanging out with other parents (see anger issues above). I adore all the teachers, I love the principle, hell I'm even fond of some of the students but the parents? Oh hell no. Spending an evening in the school gym surrounded by reptiles of both the human and animal variety is akin to, well, nothing comes to mind that is as bad as that. Second, I hate snakes. I am terrified of snakes. If I'm watching tv and a snake comes on I have to look away. I've had many a dream where I wake up screaming because there's a snake involved. Norm has said I've even flung pillows, apparently thinking they were snakes in my nightmare. I did overhear Valentina angrily mutter to Asa "Asa, we shouldn't have told mom there were going to be snakes. Now she for SURE won't take us." 

I was able to avoid the conversation for a bit while I was on the phone with Amanda (I hid in my bedroom) and voila! When I came out the problem was solved! Norm had come home and the kids had hit him up and talked him into taking them. WOOHOO!!!! Not only did I NOT have to, A-deal with the fallout of not taking the kids to see the reptiles, B-have to take the kids to see the reptiles or C-deal with other humans, I was able to have over an hour to myself while Norm and the kids were out! 

The $5 picture Norm got hosed into paying for. I love the sheer happiness on Asa's face while he's holding the alligator. And check out Valentina's pride at holding the tail. 

While I was home alone I was able to get caught up on the Jodi Arias trial. I have become a bit obsessed with it. It really sucks that TruTV isn't covering the entire courtroom day and that I have to finish the afternoon of the trial online but at least I can stream it. I can't record it and that sucks because sometimes I have to do other things in the afternoon and then I miss it. Thank goodness for Nancy Grace and Jane Velez-Mitchell in the evening! 

More good, my family is healthy. 

More good, Norm has a steady job whereas 3 years ago he was only 2 months into a 13 month work layoff. 

More good. I am so fortunate to have my mom. Beya is my best friend, a third of me, knows me inside and out, understands and really gets my grief because hers is the same. It's really so good to have someone who I can laugh with and yet at the same time know she's thinking the exact same thing, "it should be three of us laughing. I know you're laughing and inside you're crying and falling apart." 

More good. Norm has finally agreed to let me sell his truck that has been driven about 5 times in the past two years so I can get a newer vehicle! This is a fight we've been having for the past two years and about six months ago I was finally able to start to turn him to my side but the deal was sealed earlier this week when Norm was venting to his co-worker about how mean I was to want to do this. Lo and behold his co-worker said "Cameo's way makes way more sense than yours! Your argument holds no water! You're way off base with this one!" SCORE! So even though Norm is still "fighting" with me while I'm having the truck detailed to put it up for sale he knows that yes, I'm right. Imagine that, I'M RIGHT! We've been together for almost 19 years now and he's finally realizing that I'm always right! Resistance is futile. 

More good. I have really great friends. I mean really great friends. Friends who don't give up on me. Friends who are there for me even when I pull away and are there waiting for me when I come back. Friends who I can count on to NOT say the wrong thing. You all know who you are because you guys are the only ones I text and talk to, haha. 

Amanda, Holly, Jen and Janet, you guys are the ones I've texted today and talk to on a regular basis. 

LucyAnn, Brittney and Carol, I love you guys too. 

The UGLY is always playing on my ticker but the GOOD is the show that is playing and I'm trying to watch as much of the show as I can.

Especially when it's the Jodi Arias trial.  

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