We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Tuesday, February 26, 2013

You Might.......

You might be a little too obsessed with watching every second of the Jodi Arias trial if......

.....you say "sustained" or "overruled" before the judge does.

.....your answer to "sustained" or "overruled" matches the judge.

.....you remember Jodi Arias' story better and could answer the prosecutors cross examinations better than she can.

.....your first thought when you wake up is "I bet Martinez is going to be asking her about this situation."

.....you want to slap the arrogant, smug look off Jodi Arias.

.....you go to bed Thursday night thinking it's the weekend because court is in recess on Fridays.

.....you wake up Friday morning and forget the kids have to get ready for school because in your mind if there's no court, it's not a week day.

.....you go to bed Sunday night excited because court resumes in less than 12 hours.

.....you know that FHE is an abbreviation for Family Home Evening.

.....you hear the word Ward and immediately think of Mormons.

.....you know more about Mormonism than you ever thought you would.

.....you can anticipate with 80% accuracy what Vinnie Politans "biggest moment of the day" is going to be.

.....you schedule doctor appointments around the courts lunch break.

.....you will never be able to look at Tootsie Pops or Pop Rocks the same way again.

.....you shut your eyes and you see the Great Seal Of The State Of Arizona.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Same Roller Coaster, Different Day Of Admission

I'm in the midst of a bipolar downward spiral.

I hate to talk about this because I know it worries mom and I also know it will pass but it just really sucks when I'm in the middle of it.

Today when I was on my way to pick up the kids from school I just felt like sobbing. I haven't felt that way in a long time. I just wanted to pull over and let the grief/depression swallow me. I felt as if I didn't have the energy to push it away like I always do. I'm just depleted. I feel empty and helpless to fight it. My anxiety is also very high and I'm on edge. I've been fighting it for a while but my willpower is just lower and lower.

I think part of it is that I've been sick off and on for about six weeks.

Another part is Valentina's birthday.

In a way I think Valentina's birthday is harder than Asa's. There are just so many triggers with her birthday.

Valentina's first birthday was also her homecoming party. It was a garden theme.

Her second birthday was Shrek and sissy loved that it was so unusual. It was also when sissy announced that she was pregnant again. This would be Valentina's last birthday with her TT.

Only one year later, on Valentina's third birthday, sissy was gone. It was a princess theme and sissy had bought all of the party supplies. It was at this point that I stopped remembering her birthday parties. I see photos and am reminded of the themes, the decorations, the invitations but as far as the actual party goes, I don't remember any of them.

I think it was denial (go figure) that caused me to totally drop the ball on her birthday party this year. Her birthday was Saturday but we're not having her party until this weekend. I didn't even realize that it's Oscar weekend until after I sent out the invitations or else I would have pushed her party back yet another week.

I'm also remembering a little bit of sissy. It's like I'm starting to have flashes. As much as I hate to use that analogy because it sounds like that liar Jodi Arias (yes, I'm obsessed with the trial, maybe another reason I got caught up and forgot Valentina's party) it's the truth. I'm slowly letting little "snapshots" of us into my mind even though I still avoid looking at all the photos of her that are all over the walls.

I don't know. I'm just confused. And tired. And tired of complaining. I'm sure everyone else is tired of ME complaining. The only reason I'm writing this post and not deleting it is that I have had strangers email me saying that they are also bipolar and that it's nice to hear from someone else who deals with the same shit as them.


Monday, February 18, 2013

Best Picture

Every year sissy, mom and I vowed to see all the movies nominated for Best Picture Oscar. The Oscars are kind of like a holiday for me. From the time I was about 10 I would listen to the Oscars. Yes, I said listen to the awards because we didn't have electricity, ergo no TV to watch them so I listened to them on the radio. That makes me sound like an old grandma, "back when I was a kid we didn't have these big tv's with HD. I had to LISTEN to shows on the radio and it was real radio, with commercials and static, not this Sirius or other new fangled 'radio' you have now."

I would dress up in beautiful ballgowns that were my grandma's and put on my elbow length evening gloves.....and use a sheer curtain as my shawl. I would cook dinner and pretend that I was one of the nominees, anxiously awaiting to see if I would make history as the first female winner of the Best Director Oscar. My hopes of that were dashed the year Kathryn Bigelow won for "The Hurt Locker". Oh, who am I kidding, they were dashed long before that!

Anyway, the point is every year the three of us promised to see all the movies. This was again way back when there were only 5 movies nominated.

Mom and I have been working with my therapist on pushing ourselves to do things that Trina would have done and we would have tagged along with her. This was one such thing that even sissy couldn't do. What better thing to tackle?

I'm proud to say that no, mom and I haven't seen every movie nominated but we have only two left! Okay, well, three but we made the decision to skip "Amour" after reading what it's about. It was hard enough that mom had to live through watching her mom grow old with dementia and become more and more dependant and have to put her in a nursing home that we made the choice that it was something we didn't need to watch on the big screen.

Oh, no, instead we went and saw "Beasts of the Southern Wild"......even after Dr. B said it was so frustrating and depressing that he had to turn it off. I believe his exact words were "I wanted to shout to the man 'put down the damn bottle of whiskey and take care of your kid!'" Oh, but mom and I knew better. We had to see it.

BIG MISTAKE.

I hate to cry. I hate to let go of my emotions and really feel, especially feel grief. Let me tell you, I couldn't stop crying at the end of the movie. Afterwards mom and I saw just sat there, trying to find one good thing about the movie.

We're still trying.

Anyway, we only need to see "Django Unchained" and "Zero Dark Thirty" and then we'll be done! And we WILL get it done this week!

The funny thing is, our favorite movie is the front runner and the first one we saw, "Argo".

I think from here on out we'll just see the movies we want to see and if they're nominated, great, if not, well, then we'll remind ourselves how "Beasts" was nominated for Best Picture and not knock ourselves out trying to see all of the movies.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Happy Birthday Valentina

Happy birthday Valentina!

You are six years old now! So much has happened in the six years since we got "the call" that we finally had a baby. And not just a baby but a baby girl! I knew from the second I heard your name that you were my child. Two days prior on Valentine's Day I was crying to Beya, wondering when we were going to get "the call", wanting to know where our baby was. Beya said to me "just think, maybe your baby is being born today and if it's a girl then you can name her Valentina." Oh how I argued with her, that would never happen, we were not only going to have a boy but he wouldn't be born on Valentine's Day. Two days later, February 16, 2007, you were born to us. I will never forget the woman with our adoption agency telling me "it's a girl and her name is Valentina." I knew without a sliver of a doubt that yes, you were my baby girl.

You have changed my life forever in only wonderful ways. You make me do things I would never have done. You see life full of opportunities and exciting adventures to go on, just like your TT did. You are so much like her there are times when I think you are you. And yet you are just like me, so stubborn, sure of yourself, independent and never stop asking questions until you get an answer that makes sense to you.

I grew a whole new heart the day you were born to me and every day it grows bigger and bigger, even when I think it has grown as much as it can.

One thing that I love about you is that you never, ever, EVER walk anywhere. You are always skipping, jumping, galloping or running. You are just so eager to get to wherever you are going that you can't just walk there. Even if it's just going from one room of the house to the other you have to go quickly.

The way your face lights up when it's windy makes my heart swell. You feel the earth when you are picking flowers and talking to them. You can see things in life that I would never even be able to think of.

Thank you, Valentina, for being born to us, your family.

I love you forever.

Mama