We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Same Roller Coaster, Different Day Of Admission

I'm in the midst of a bipolar downward spiral.

I hate to talk about this because I know it worries mom and I also know it will pass but it just really sucks when I'm in the middle of it.

Today when I was on my way to pick up the kids from school I just felt like sobbing. I haven't felt that way in a long time. I just wanted to pull over and let the grief/depression swallow me. I felt as if I didn't have the energy to push it away like I always do. I'm just depleted. I feel empty and helpless to fight it. My anxiety is also very high and I'm on edge. I've been fighting it for a while but my willpower is just lower and lower.

I think part of it is that I've been sick off and on for about six weeks.

Another part is Valentina's birthday.

In a way I think Valentina's birthday is harder than Asa's. There are just so many triggers with her birthday.

Valentina's first birthday was also her homecoming party. It was a garden theme.

Her second birthday was Shrek and sissy loved that it was so unusual. It was also when sissy announced that she was pregnant again. This would be Valentina's last birthday with her TT.

Only one year later, on Valentina's third birthday, sissy was gone. It was a princess theme and sissy had bought all of the party supplies. It was at this point that I stopped remembering her birthday parties. I see photos and am reminded of the themes, the decorations, the invitations but as far as the actual party goes, I don't remember any of them.

I think it was denial (go figure) that caused me to totally drop the ball on her birthday party this year. Her birthday was Saturday but we're not having her party until this weekend. I didn't even realize that it's Oscar weekend until after I sent out the invitations or else I would have pushed her party back yet another week.

I'm also remembering a little bit of sissy. It's like I'm starting to have flashes. As much as I hate to use that analogy because it sounds like that liar Jodi Arias (yes, I'm obsessed with the trial, maybe another reason I got caught up and forgot Valentina's party) it's the truth. I'm slowly letting little "snapshots" of us into my mind even though I still avoid looking at all the photos of her that are all over the walls.

I don't know. I'm just confused. And tired. And tired of complaining. I'm sure everyone else is tired of ME complaining. The only reason I'm writing this post and not deleting it is that I have had strangers email me saying that they are also bipolar and that it's nice to hear from someone else who deals with the same shit as them.


Jen said...

I wish I was there, or you were here. I wish I could HUG you and tell you how much I LOVE you in person!

I know you hate to talk about this because it worries your mom, but I am so thankful you are. Keeping it in is far worse than letting it out, and I have a feeling you do more than your fair share of keeping it in.

I am also so happy you are talking about all this here, and I hope you never stop, because by you writing it here...I KNOW you are helping those who are reading. Those with bipolar, those without bipolar, those that have lost someone, those who may lose someone in the future and then may stumble upon your blog, those who may be having a bad day, those not but that empathize with what you are going through. Anyone who may be reading.

And beyond all that, I am happy you are writing it here for the most important reason...and that is for you! To get all that is inside, out! I know how important it is for me, and I imagine it is for others as well?

And honey please...not complaining, never complaining. This is real life, and real hurt ❤

I'm so sorry for all the triggers of Valentina's birthday. I would imagine it makes for such a duality of the worst kind. I so feel for you!! I also feel for the confusion that comes along with it. I can relate to both....but of course in a different way, as always.

My whole heart is with you!

Jen said...

And I forgot, you can slap me silly for saying this...but my vote is...let it out!!! You don't have the energy to push it away anymore. You are depleted. You are empty. You are tired, too tired to outrun it.

You're body is telling you something. Let the grief do its thing. I promise you, just like you said of the bipolar, "I also know it will pass but it just really sucks when I'm in the middle of it" the same thing will happen with the grief!! The very same thing!

And each time will get better. It's too hard to outrun! It takes more energy! It's a effin' BASTARD!! It will always find us, and have its way with us!! We have to surrender - as bad as that feeels, and it becomes easier. Less of a load to carry. It feels better if we learn to walk through it. Sounds STUPID!!

I already see you walking through it, in so many more ways!! You have done so awesome!! You and I, we are navigating this crap together! We are both trying to avoid getting that stupid smack upside the head. It's not easy is it? That Bastard likes to do that. I too, am learning everyday....to avoid the SMACK!!

I love you!!

Wait...do you want to slap me?