We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

This, That And Everything In Between

First off, am I the last person to discover fun.? Holy shit they are amazing! After the Grammys I listened to their a couple of their songs, downloaded "Some Nights" and am slowly working my way through it. Right now I'm still on their three main songs, "Some Nights", "Carry On" and "Tonight".

Second, while I'm on the subject of music, I found this on FB and found it to be very accurate, at least for me :) After all, given my aversion to organized religion I've frequently stated that I worship at the church of U2.

Also fitting with this theme, my therapist gave me one of his daily calendar pages from the New Yorker. It had a picture of Jesus talking to the masses with the caption "If you believe in me, divide into sects and kill and hurt as many from the other sects as you possibly can." This came up in conversation during my fascination with the upcoming papal conclave. I know, I know, I am a study in contradictions. I don't believe in Catholicism or any religion for that matter. I sent Valentina to a Catholic preschool for 2 years. I'm obsessed with the conclave. I love predicting who will be the next Pope. I couldn't tear myself away from the tv when Pope Benedict left the Vatican for the last time. I would love to be at the Vatican to see the white smoke and see the new Pope walk out for the first time. I have no idea, nor do I care to really put the effort into figuring out, if there is a God. I love the tradition of Catholicism. I don't go to mass. I'm very glad my kids have a strong base of believing in Jesus/God. I explain to the kids that there is no one "right" church. My kids don't go to church. I will argue with anyone until I'm blue in the face that the Bible is just a book and a giant case of the game telephone. 

Third, I'm still trying to get in to see my psychiatrist about my current bipolar episode. I've never had to wait this long on the cancellation list which leads me to believe Dr. H is out of the country. He goes on vacation quite often and has told me that I can always call the office and request that he call me back no matter where in the world he is but I would never do that. It's been 11 days since I got on the list. Usually it's only 3-4 business days but not this time. I did, however, go see my PCP on Friday. I considered it an emotional band aid. My PCP is very sympathetic and he understands bipolar at bit too well. He reassured me that yes it will pass but it's "the nature of the beast" and I have to just hang in there. He did increase my mood stabilizer and made sure I had enough of my anti anxiety meds. Both he and my therapist told me that while it's very difficult to be in the midst of the agitated/depressive state I'm currently in, it will pass even though it feels like it won't. Dr. S (my PCP) said it typically lasts about four months and right now I've been in it for about five months. It started in October and I kept telling myself I need to hang in until after Valentina's birthday, then I can "lose it". I did a little with Dr. S. I actually broke down and cried which as we all know I despise doing. I'd much rather shove thing down and jump on top to tamp it down nice and tight. Intellectually I know this is just making things worse but emotionally I keep hoping it will just stay down. My rage, however, keeps building up and has erupted several times but for the most part I manage to keep it internalized which is something I have perfected over decades. 

Finally I am trying to get around to posting Valentina's birthday pictures. She stuck with the My Little Pony/Rainbow Dash theme. Although it was a "normal" theme I think it turned out pretty cute and as quirky as I could make it. 

So that is about it, or as much as I feel like writing about. I'm trying my best to mix things up and not just write my "woe is me" shit because I DO have much to be, and am, thankful for. 

Thanks to everyone for sticking in there with me.  


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