I keep having dreams of sissy and they really piss me off. They always take place in the future, after she's died, but she's in them. Sometimes I realize she's dead and sometimes the dreams are of things we had planned on accomplishing together and she's right there with me. But it's always dark. Literally. In one dream the sky was covered with dark clouds. In another one it was raining like crazy. In another one we were in a room and it was very lowly lit.
I hate these dreams. They take a full day to shake them and they just cast a dark shadow on my whole day. The fact that sissy is gone is still always on my mind, my very own constant CNN news ticker. And yet sometimes I still have these "flashes". They happen in the blink of an eye, literally, because the 1/10th of a second that it takes for mind to say it in my head I realize that my thoughts are impossible.
It was the kids' last day of school and they were both talking about what we were going to do for summer vacation, the fact that it was a short day at school, etc.... They were chattering away in the back seat and while I was at a stop light I saw opposite of me (leaving the school) a car like sissy's. My "flash thought" was "What? Sissy already dropped off Asa? It's the last day of school! We were going to do it together! We were going to take pictures of the kids together! We were going to be equal parts happy to have our kids home and scared to have our kids home! Why did she do this to me? Why didn't she even tell me? I wanted to see Asa on his last day of school! Maybe I'll pop in and see him anyway." By the time I finished blinking I realized that I had recreated the plans sissy and I had made for the future (take the kids to the same school, etc...) into my current life. Of course I would see Asa on his last day of school, he was sitting in the back seat, I had helped him get ready. I had taken pictures of both kids before we left the house that morning. It's just unbelievable the horrible tricks your mind can play on you.
By the way, this is my "woe is me", "I'm so sad", "death has ruined my life" post. I'm working on my "REAL" post and it's going to reflect our current lives. We do have fun. We do have adventures. We do enjoy the kids. We do laugh. But that damn news ticker never goes away.
Mom said I've been a bit manic lately. It's true. I can't seem to sit still. I have to keep moving, no matter how physically painful it is until I take my pain meds to help with being so active and they knock me out. Literally. The more active I am, the more I hurt, the more pain meds I take, then I fall asleep on the couch. But until then my mind is racing, thoughts collide like bingo balls in a cage and I try to stay as busy as I can with my body to help slow the thoughts, the bingo balls, the memories.
A sidenote: I read trash magazines. Well, I take that back, People is a very well respected journalistic periodical. Ok, yeah, trash magazines. I also read Us Magazine. And I check People.com every morning. Sissy and I had a routine. When she wasn't working I always woke up before she did. She would then call me when she woke up and ask "So, what's going on in the entertainment world?" because she knew I would have already checked out People.com. When she was working and was up before me she would call me to tell me what had happened in the entertainment world. I think of that every morning when I click on my bookmark to People.com. Anyway, my whole point here is that I've seen Katie Holmes is filming a movie called "Mania Days" in which she plays someone with bipolar. Needless to say I cannot WAIT to see it! I thought she was AMAZING in "Pieces of April". In fact it had earned it's way to my night-before-Thanksgiving-up-all-night-cooking-while-watching-Thanksgiving-movies-marathon marathon. I would always start with "Home For The Holidays", move on to "Pieces of April" and sometimes even throw in "Don't Say A Word". Needless to say the only one left I can watch is "Don't Say A Word" plus I don't cook that much anymore the night before Thanksgiving.
Anyway, my point was that I predict that Katie Holmes is going to be fantastic as a bipolar and I can't wait to see it.
There. This is my dark and twisty post. Happy Happy Joy Joy post to follow!