We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Fourth Fireworks Fizzled

Holidays are always hard on Asa but Valentina loves the 4th of July.  Both kids had been looking forward to it for a while. They were both excited. I had all of these plans made and I was going to make it FUN! Fun, dammit! We were all going to have FUN, FUN, FUN!!!

At some point that morning it hit me that it was a holiday. Another fucking holiday without sissy. I buried my emotions and kept charging forward. FUN FUN FUN for the kids!!!!

Both kids were NOT having fun, fun, fun. In fact they were both in rare form, kept getting into trouble, making bad choices, sent to their rooms, etc.... At one time Valentina even muttered "this is the worst holiday ever." In my mind I was agreeing with her.

Finally in the evening as we sat outside I felt something come over me. It was something that I hadn't felt in a long time. I walked quickly to the bedroom and barely got the door closed before it washed me away. My legs gave out and I cried. I cried the way I faintly remember crying the week sissy was in the hospital. My whole body froze up in silent screams that I refused to let out. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't keep the tears from stopping. I couldn't keep anything in any longer even though we had family members coming over. I was a slave to the grief that consumed me for who knows how long. I would try to stop but my body seized up and wouldn't let me stand. I had rage, not blood, running through every fiber of my being. It was trying to find an escape but there was none. My muscles ached and my nerves were raw from trying to physically keep the screaming from drowning me.

I don't know how long I was holed up in our bedroom. I've already forgotten most of what happened during that black time. I don't know what else I felt other than what I just wrote. I'm sure there was more but I don't remember.

The next thing I remember is it was hours later and we were watching Norm and Joshua let off fireworks. It was about 11 when we finally came in for the night. The next day my body hurt from the emotional attack I had had the night before.

That was how I spent Independence Day.


Anonymous said...

It sounds like your son and daughter were picking up on your tension and were reacting to it. I'm glad you could keep it together for them in the end.

Jen said...

Oh my sweet! Trying to make those holidays what you want them to be. FUN! FUN! FUN! Dammit we will have fun! We will light those effin fireworks. We will eat this yummy food. We WILL laugh. Are you not smiling? SMILE dammit!!! We will have a good time!!!

And then that stupid grief has other plans for everyone : (

My gosh, your description was so captivating. As intriguing as it was to read, it made me so sad, because I know it didn't even begin to scratch the surface of what you must have been experiencing. I am so sorry for everything you experienced, what Asa was feeling, Valentina, your parents. But most of all, what you will continue to...until the day you die!

And you know what...sorry has just lost its luster, actually it did many eons ago.

RIght now, whatever it is for you...whatever small favorite thing makes you the happiest (show, cookie, candy, chip, shopping, favorite cuss word, post ripping on Jen) DO IT!! This second! It's those stepping stones that lead us to the next, isn't it?

You know who's my favorite? YOU ARE!!!!!!