Yesterday was Asa's birthday party. I decided to do it on a weekday instead of a weekend. Partly because he had a few friends who wouldn't be able to make it on a Sunday and partly because it wouldn't take up a whole weekend by having it on a Sunday. Nope, this way it only took up FOUR days. I take that back, Saturday was taken up by attending an absolutely beautiful quinceanera.
Anyhoo, yesterday I picked up the kids from school and they were very excited to come home to a completely decorated and completed ready for a party house. On the three minute ride home Asa sadly said "I wish Grandma Dee was here." It broke my heart. He adored Grandma Dee and yet another important person who has died in his short little life.
"I'm so sorry" I told him. "I'm sorry Grandma Dee died and won't be there."
"And my mom" Asa added.
"Yes honey, I'm so sorry that your mom died too. I'm so sorry your mom isn't here for your birthday. I wish she was and I'm sorry she died."
"Why does everyone say that?" Asa asked, knowing full well why everyone says that, it was just his way of bringing up the subject of the people around him that have died. He then got uncomfortable and started joking around which is his way of saying he's done talking about it and is close to crying.
If my words sound harsh it's because one thing I learned from children's grief therapy (which was HORRIBLE, I can't begin to tell you how shitty it was) it is that you are supposed to use definitive words like died instead of vague words like "passed", "left", "moved on" and the like. Death is irreversible and kids needs to hear words that leave no doubt that their loved ones are never coming back. That is why I try my best to use these words with the kids.
Sometimes even I can't wrap my adult mind around these words.