We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Friday, November 15, 2013

Bittersweet

Ever since we sold my Camry to Beya and Papa I was stuck driving Norms honking, huge ass Ford SuperCrew Cab that felt like I was driving a U-Haul truck. I hated it so much that it pushed me to put it up for sale even though I had planned on having it detailed and a few other minor things done. Well, those didn't get done. I put it up for sale on a Friday night. Eight days later, the next Saturday, it was sold. I had a call from some guy wanting to come look at it and about an hour later our truck was pulling out of our driveway forever. Norm just looked at me with puppy dog eyes (I swear they were filling up but he denies it) and said "I can't believe we sold my truck!" He loved his truck but there was just no use for it since all he ever uses is his company car. On the weekends we're always together so we just need one vehicle. Mom and Papa were kind enough to let me borrow the Camry whenever I needed it. After we sold the truck Norm and I had NO vehicle! In the span of two weeks we went from two vehicles to none. 

I have had my heart set on a newer Volvo XC90 for over a year and had been researching them like crazy. Two days after we sold Norm's truck mom and I went to test drive a Volvo. An hour later I was on the phone calling Norm to say "I just bought a car. Hope that's ok." Of course he was great, he trusted my judgement, he knew I wasn't one to fuck with when it came to getting a deal on a car and I actually had everyone in the dealership telling me that I was most likely the nitpickiest, read through every word, double check everything, client they had ever had. I'm quite proud of that actually. I think they thought because I was a girl they'd be able to pull a few things over me. WRONG!!!! At one point I was so frustrated with them I pushed my chair back and called in time of death for the sale. It was amazing how quickly they were able to remedy all the situations I had problems with at that moment. 

So Tuesday morning I picked up this:





My 2010 Volvo XC90. Notice my Halloween bat photobombing the Volvo. And yes, I still have a few Halloween decorations out.

I love my new car. I love it. But at the same time every time I see it I hear sissy telling me how happy she is for me, how this car fits me, how she could always see me in it.

Before she died I always wanted a Range Rover. She would tell me that she could see me in that. She told me how happy it would make her to see me in a Range Rover. She told me how a Range Rover fit me. I know that had she been alive when I made the change from Range Rover to Volvo (I needed the 3rd row seating) she would be telling me the exact same things. I hear her words countless times a day, telling me how the Volvo fits me. How happy it makes her to see me in it. How she could always see me in it. I've also had more moments than I can count of driving it and thinking "oh! I need to stop by sissy's and surprise her!" or "I can't wait to show sissy!" or "which seat is sissy going to sit in?"

I finally have the car I've been wanting for a year but it's so bittersweet. I guess that's how everything is but Jen is showing me by example more and more to realize that there IS sweet in bittersweet. It's also ironic that I know she prefers baking with bittersweet chocolate since I have asked for and received many a recipe from her and it always has bittersweet chocolate in it :)

My computer also died on me and I had to get a new one. There's a big long story with that but in a nutshell I bought three computers in 36 hours, trying to find the right one. I returned two and am now the happy owner of a new one. Also the one that crapped out on me is suddenly working again for mom! Poor mom, she keeps getting my leftovers; the Camry and now my computer. But she's happy with it and I'm happy she has a computer in addition to her tablet. It was so hard to replace my computer because I remember so vividly when I went to pick up my old one with sissy.

Trina won't ever see my new computer.

She won't ever see my new car.

Knowing this makes me want to hold on to the old stuff even when I need something new. One old thing I will never replace is my pair of Converse. They were my last birthday present from her. They are wearing out, holes starting to show and the rubber coming off in various parts. But I will gladly walk around with wet feet in order to hold on that piece of her.

And that is all sweet.

2 comments:

LLP said...

I'm so proud of you!!!

Jen said...

I LOVE your car!! Congratulations! I want to see more pictures!! But…I guess I will get to see it up close and personal : )

The bitter with the sweet, the sweet with the bitter. Mix them all and take a huge bite, sometimes tasting the bitter, sometimes the sweet. You are so right Cameo, it is all good.

Along your same lines….

We had come back from Tahoe and Dave had done the Tough Mudder so my car was sooooo dirty. We are talking actual mud in the back, because I threw the boys in the back on the rubber mat. I finally got it all cleaned. Really cleaned. Wheels glistening black, vacuumed, windows sparkling. I am always so incredibly excited when my car is spick and span.

It had been 3 short days, and spur of the moment…I decided I wanted to take Aviana to the pumpkin patch. It was that last weekend before she took the turn for the worse. As we got there, I realized…oh my gosh!!! My freshly cleaned car!!!! Through the dirt! My sparkly black tires!!! Everything…gone! I was so sad, but of course she HAD to go.

I love my car CLEAN, but now though…it's been since October 9th that I got my car cleaned and the 12th since that pumpkin patch. My car is so filthy. Covered in dust and dirt, and the wheels are the worst. They are lined with everything pumpkin patch. I just haven't been able to bring myself to the entrance of the carwash. While I once cried at the thought of getting my car dirty, I now cry at the thought of cleaning what's there - off. The bitter. The sweet. The bite. Ugh.

Some things I can easily move out and fast, some take time, some things never. I know you know more than anyone.

Today, I was going to get my car washed. Today was the day. As I was typing the message to you, Dave came in and said the spring to the garage door broke and now both cars are TRAPPED inside. I mean TRAPPED. Like can't even manually open it Cameo. I am now calling around to garage door companies to come get them out. What does this mean?

Trina…she is with you everywhere. She already knew which car, saw it, sees it. She's in every seat. If it were the Range Rover (I want one too, by the way) she would be in there. Since it's the Volvo, she's in there. She is anywhere and everywhere. At least that's what I believe, even though sometimes I don't feel Aviana anywhere. Deep down, I know she is though. Bittersweet. Always.

My mom is the very same as Beya…she takes all my 'stuff' ; ) : ) Ha Ha.

I love you so...