*I'm not spell checking or re-reading this post for grammatical errors because I'm going right into another post and I just want this one to be done. My apologies for any mistakes or errors.
Christmas is done and over and I wish I could say that the holidays are over but right now we're smack dab in the middle of this emotional windstorm that every year threatens to blow us away. We've always stood strong and beat it but that doesn't mean we make it through unscathed.
New Years Eve? PARTY TIME!!
For us? The last time sissy had chemo.
New Years Day? HANGOVER TIME!!!!
For us? The last time I had a clear conversation with my sister and we talked about things I'll never discuss.
January 2nd? GO BACK TO WORK, UGH!
For us? Trina entered the hospital for the last time. She never saw her cute little house that she loved so much again.
January 2nd-9th for us? Reliving every fucking day that she as in that fucking hospital, dying.
January 6th? The day they told us she wasn't going to make it through the night.
January 4th? The day the doctor told her she was dying in front of me.
It's the most fucked up day of the year. (for some reason I keep saying that over and over in my hear to the tune of It's the Most Wonderful Day of the Year, how sick am I?)
It doesn't end there, it just continues until February 16th which is Valentina's new birthday. Once we get that done and over with that's when we can take a breath.... until Easter and then we start all over again.
But that's not to say we don't have fun. On the outside you'd never know I was having a hard time. When Asa squealed Christmas morning, after opening every single present he had asked for, "IT'S THE GREATEST DAY EVER!!!" I mean, how can not enjoy life through their eyes? Yes, after that I wanted to hold my hands over my ears and scream "MAKE IT STOP!" but kids make you see happiness through them. I cannot begin to imagine living our new lives without them. They keep me sane. They keep me INsane. They make me laugh. They make me frustrated. They keep me ALIVE by making me experience all of these emotions.
It's not just the kids either. Jen. Holy hell, what can I say about her except that she always amazes me with not just her outlook on life but her ACTIONS with life. I read her Christmas post and just realized again how big my shortcomings are. I WANT to change. I WANT to be like Jen when I grow up. Never have our differences shown so much than when I called her to tell her we had just checked in to the hotel for Avi's service which was the next day. We were talking about things, she cried, I cried, she laughed, I laughed. Then when we were talking about how unfair it was as to why we were there she just smiled (I could hear her sweet smile through the phone) and she simply said "that's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes." I was speechless but the second I got my words back I said "no it's not! It's called the shit end of the stick! Sometimes you get the good end of the stick, sometimes you get the shit end! We both got the shit end! You can take your cookie crumbles and shove them up your ass!" She just patiently laughed at me and again I was taught another life lesson.
It's all in how you look at things.
Jen sees the vast amount of good that happens in the midst of bad.
I only see the bad along with tinges of things that aren't horrible.
The cookie crumbling conversation is something I've repeated several times since I've been home and now Asa says it all the time, "that's just how the cookie crumbles."
I have much to be thankful for. I AM thankful for it.
I am thankful for my children.
I am beyond thankful for my parents.
I am thankful for my husband.
I am thankful for my house.
I am very thankful for my new car.
I am even thankful that I was a sister for 34 years of my life.
But it's also what hurts the most.