I've often described my grief to my therapist as the CNN ticker that runs at the bottom of the screen. Even when there's something else on TV it's always there, the ticker, constantly on a loop, never ending:
mysisterisdeadTrinaisgonecancertookherfrommeidonthaveasisterasadoesnthaveamommomandpapalosttheirdaughterfuckcancerhowdidimakearrangementsforherfuneralshesreallygonehowisthisrealthiscantberealihatecancereveryonepissesmeoffnobodyelsegetsitpeoplewhosaytheygetitbuthaventlostachildhavenoideaifonemorepersontellsmeeverythinghappensforareasoniwillsmacktheminthefaceohmygoshismysisterreallygonehowdidthishappenwhatwasitlikebeforeshedieddontthinkaboutititsnotrealholyfuckimgoinginsanemysisterdied
and so on and so forth. It never stops. The ticker would keep me up all night and it's impossible to go to sleep without the help of Ambien. I wake up with the ticker. I wake up in the middle of the night crying because of the ticker. Even when I reach for the phone to call sissy the ticker is still running which is REALLY confusing.
Tomorrow is three years since she died.
Unfuckingbelievable.
Just as my therapist can say the same thing over and over and it doesn't click until the 87th time, I've explained the CNN ticker thing many, many times.
Yesterday it clicked for him.
"That's an excellent way of putting it. I'm going to steal that from you and use it with some of my other patients" he told me. "Don't forget to watch the show that is on too. The ticker is always running but you can also watch the show. Go to a movie with Beya. Become obsessed with Jodi Arias trial. Spend a day playing Facebook games. That's watching the show. Yes, the ticker will always be running, you'll always be thinking of Trina and you'll always be grieving. But don't forget to watch the show too."
