We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Same Roller Coaster, Different Day Of Admission

I'm in the midst of a bipolar downward spiral.

I hate to talk about this because I know it worries mom and I also know it will pass but it just really sucks when I'm in the middle of it.

Today when I was on my way to pick up the kids from school I just felt like sobbing. I haven't felt that way in a long time. I just wanted to pull over and let the grief/depression swallow me. I felt as if I didn't have the energy to push it away like I always do. I'm just depleted. I feel empty and helpless to fight it. My anxiety is also very high and I'm on edge. I've been fighting it for a while but my willpower is just lower and lower.

I think part of it is that I've been sick off and on for about six weeks.

Another part is Valentina's birthday.

In a way I think Valentina's birthday is harder than Asa's. There are just so many triggers with her birthday.

Valentina's first birthday was also her homecoming party. It was a garden theme.

Her second birthday was Shrek and sissy loved that it was so unusual. It was also when sissy announced that she was pregnant again. This would be Valentina's last birthday with her TT.

Only one year later, on Valentina's third birthday, sissy was gone. It was a princess theme and sissy had bought all of the party supplies. It was at this point that I stopped remembering her birthday parties. I see photos and am reminded of the themes, the decorations, the invitations but as far as the actual party goes, I don't remember any of them.

I think it was denial (go figure) that caused me to totally drop the ball on her birthday party this year. Her birthday was Saturday but we're not having her party until this weekend. I didn't even realize that it's Oscar weekend until after I sent out the invitations or else I would have pushed her party back yet another week.

I'm also remembering a little bit of sissy. It's like I'm starting to have flashes. As much as I hate to use that analogy because it sounds like that liar Jodi Arias (yes, I'm obsessed with the trial, maybe another reason I got caught up and forgot Valentina's party) it's the truth. I'm slowly letting little "snapshots" of us into my mind even though I still avoid looking at all the photos of her that are all over the walls.

I don't know. I'm just confused. And tired. And tired of complaining. I'm sure everyone else is tired of ME complaining. The only reason I'm writing this post and not deleting it is that I have had strangers email me saying that they are also bipolar and that it's nice to hear from someone else who deals with the same shit as them.