We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Bipolar, Bipolar, Send Sanity Right Over

I debated on writing about this but figured I never know who might read it and think "I'm so glad someone else feels the same way I do!" so I guess you're stuck with this post. I might delete it later.

I've been in the midst of a bipolar episode. Luckily I had an appointment with my psychiatrist already scheduled for yesterday. I had a complete meltdown in the waiting room, made it to his room and then proceeded to hyperventilate/cry/try to compose myself/lose it. He did nothing but watch me in my turmoil and take notes. At least that's what he was doing when I finally looked up at him. The diagnosis? This is just the nature of the bipolar beast. I'm very fortunate that I'm not severe. Sure, Sunday afternoon I had another meltdown. I actually went as far as to go to my bedroom to get ready and spend the night somewhere by myself. As I was making my bed (I have make my bed every day, even if it's as late as when I'm getting ready to go to bed) I was thinking "ok, I'll just change clothes and leave. I don't need anything but my purse. Well, I should probably take my makeup. My toiletry bag is always ready to go. I just need to throw that in a small bag. Oh, I guess I'd need a change of clothes. What about a computer? I won't take mine because it's too big. I can take the tablet. No, I need a full keyboard if I want to do anything. I'll take Norm's computer. Then I need his power cord in case I use up the battery. Ok, so I'll need a large bag. And where am I going to go? Do I want to go out to eat? Do I want room service? Do I have the energy to go out? Do I want to drink? Should I take something to drink? Oh, my phone battery is crap, I'll have to pack that charger. And my ipod. Where are my earphones for it? Oh shit, this sounds like so much work. What about the kids? Will they be worried? Will they think I'm abandoning them? Valentina always cries when Norm and I go to the movies. How will she be if I'm gone overnight? Will I be scarring Asa even more? Will he think I left him just like his mom? There, my bed is made it looks so nice. I think I'll just crawl in bed." All of this went through my head in exactly 1.395 seconds given my mind was in a manic, racing state. And that's what I did. I got into bed at 5:45 pm. I.Just.Needed.Alone.Time.

That lasted about 20 minutes before the kids realized I hadn't come out of the bedroom. Shit, I didn't bother to lock the door because I thought I'd be long gone by then. They both barged in and I tried to ignore them and fake sleeping but as you well know, children will NOT be ignored! Their voices got louder and louder, closer and closer to my ear and then they started pushing me to wake me up, not knowing I was quite awake. After I finally acknowledged them and they left I had about 10 more minutes to myself before Norm came in to check on me. As you can tell, it's not very often that I hide out in my room. Of course by the time Norm came in my nerves were just fried and I took all my frustration out on him by simply saying "leave me the fuck alone. I need to fucking be alone!" since that wouldn't have gone over too well with the kids.

Poor mom has been walking on eggshells around me because when I get like this there is N-O-T-H-I-N-G that doesn't drive me up the wall. All noises are amplified. Overhearing a conversation sounds like five people talking at once into a megaphone in a different language. I am usually an expert at tuning out, disassociating, going inside my head except in these times my head is even louder and busier than anything going on outside and combines with the outside. I feel like I'm losing control and am in a whizzing, whirling vortex that I can't escape from and the harder I try the worse it gets.

But am I able to articulate all of this to my psychiatrist? Of course not, I just sit there shaking and crying. Mom told me that I might need to have some inpatient treatment for a bit when I get like this. I told her that's for REAL crazies and people with severe bipolar.

Nope, that's not me.