We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Bipolar..... wait ...... no, over there ...... what?????

There are times when I think I am not capable of having a complete, full thought. My mind is a giant bingo cage filled with bingo balls that crash and careen into each other. If this sounds familiar it's because I've used this analogy before. Poor mom and Norm have had to put up with my constant bingo balling which has been especially bad the past few days. This is just a portion of it:

I'm going to get an iPad, no the Product (RED) iPod I need a 64 gb no, I wouldn't keep it in my car, I'd still keep my old iPod in my car no, I need an iPhone what I would use the iPod for yes just for at home why buy an iPod that's it an iPad look on craigslist I need a 64 gb no maybe only 32gb since I'd only be using it at home maybe a 16 GB honey how many gb is your iPad maybe an Air no I can't spend that much money I didn't get a Christmas present this could be my present why not just an iPod touch why do I even want this I don't have anything fun I just spent $1,000 on my new computer I can't get another new electronic oooh look at this one on craigslist that's a really good deal but then it's used look on best buy there's one that's open stock no I'm back to the iPod do I want an iPad 3 or 4 what is the difference between a 3 and 4 yes I want the 4th or an iPod 5th well the Air is nice no that's almost as much as my computer do I really need this no I'm not getting it this is just insane well we were going to spend the night in a hotel and order room service that was going to be a few hundred dollars look here on craigslist there's a Product (RED) one how perfect no I want the iPad



Lather, rinse, repeat.

Again and again and again.

Anything to keep my mind busy not that I could quiet it anyway.

Christmas? Check

*I'm not spell checking or re-reading this post for grammatical errors because I'm going right into another post and I just want this one to be done. My apologies for any mistakes or errors. 

Christmas is done and over and I wish I could say that the holidays are over but right now we're smack dab in the middle of this emotional windstorm that every year threatens to blow us away. We've always stood strong and beat it but that doesn't mean we make it through unscathed.

New Years Eve? PARTY TIME!!

For us? The last time sissy had chemo.

New Years Day? HANGOVER TIME!!!!

For us? The last time I had a clear conversation with my sister and we talked about things I'll never discuss.

January 2nd? GO BACK TO WORK, UGH!

For us? Trina entered the hospital for the last time. She never saw her cute little house that she loved so much again.

January 2nd-9th for us? Reliving every fucking day that she as in that fucking hospital, dying.

January 6th? The day they told us she wasn't going to make it through the night.

January 4th? The day the doctor told her she was dying in front of me.

January 9th?

It's the most fucked up day of the year. (for some reason I keep saying that over and over in my hear to the tune of It's the Most Wonderful Day of the Year, how sick am I?)

 It doesn't end there, it just continues until February 16th which is Valentina's new birthday. Once we get that done and over with that's when we can take a breath.... until Easter and then we start all over again.

But that's not to say we don't have fun. On the outside you'd never know I was having a hard time. When Asa squealed Christmas morning, after opening every single present he had asked for, "IT'S THE GREATEST DAY EVER!!!" I mean, how can not enjoy life through their eyes? Yes, after that I wanted to hold my hands over my ears and scream "MAKE IT STOP!" but kids make you see happiness through them. I cannot begin to imagine living our new lives without them. They keep me sane. They keep me INsane. They make me laugh. They make me frustrated. They keep me ALIVE by making me experience all of these emotions.

It's not just the kids either. Jen. Holy hell, what can I say about her except that she always amazes me with not just her outlook on life but her ACTIONS with life. I read her Christmas post and just realized again how big my shortcomings are. I WANT to change. I WANT to be like Jen when I grow up. Never have our differences shown so much than when I called her to tell her we had just checked in to the hotel for Avi's service which was the next day. We were talking about things, she cried, I cried, she laughed, I laughed. Then when we were talking about how unfair it was as to why we were there she just smiled (I could hear her sweet smile through the phone) and she simply said "that's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes." I was speechless but the second I got my words back I said "no it's not! It's called the shit end of the stick! Sometimes you get the good end of the stick, sometimes you get the shit end! We both got the shit end! You can take your cookie crumbles and shove them up your ass!" She just patiently laughed at me and again I was taught another life lesson.

It's all in how you look at things.

Jen sees the vast amount of good that happens in the midst of bad.

I only see the bad along with tinges of things that aren't horrible.

The cookie crumbling conversation is something I've repeated several times since I've been home and now Asa says it all the time, "that's just how the cookie crumbles."

I have much to be thankful for. I AM thankful for it.

I am thankful for my children.

I am beyond thankful for my parents.

I am thankful for my husband.

I am thankful for my house.

I am very thankful for my new car.

I am even thankful that I was a sister for 34 years of my life.

But it's also what hurts the most.