We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Painful

I miss my sister. There are certain things that make me miss her even more. Things happen and life continues on, I have no say in the matter, things change, people move in and the whole time this is going on around me I feel as if I'm the freak who is standing there in the middle of the vortex of the storm we call life and I'm stuck. I'm the old tree that is still standing after everything has been tossed about. A new house is built to replace the old one that was ripped to shreds in this storm. New cars come in and out, babies born, children grow up and I'm the dumbfuck who is just standing there, roots stubbornly stuck, refusing to budge one inch because no matter how well the new house looks, no matter how many new cars come and go, one thing is certain, my home, my life, my constant, was ripped away from me in the storm and I'm frozen, unable to move, still hoping that one day the part that was so painfully and quickly snatched away forever, will return to me,  that it really ISN'T forever, forever is just the term they use. Because the thought of continuing on without my soul is just, at times, too much to bear. People come, people go, people force themselves on you, they think they know and send you little sayings that are supposed to help with this unbearable heartbreak when in reality there is nothing that can help. Nothing. After all, don't you think I would do/have done anything possible to help? For some of us there is no cure for death. I had one sister. She's gone. I'll never have another sister as long as I live.

The realization of that is so much more painful than I could have ever feared.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Thank You

I just wanted to thank everyone who called/texted/emailed/contacted me on Thursday, January 9th. So many people remembered it was four years since sissy died. I was truly humbled and grateful for what my friends said to me. I am thankful for the friends I have as they have become my family.

Thank you.

Monday, January 06, 2014

Winter Break and Christmas


The kids are back to school and I don't know how I did it with them home for two weeks! Of course we had fun and I was happy to have them home. Here are some photos of what we did. 



The day before school let out for two weeks they had "family day". This was during Asa's, obviously. He made and decorated a gingerbread house (made with a small milk carton and graham crackers) then I had an hour between the time his was over and I had to go back and do the same thing with Valentina.



Christmas Eve night. I love putting them in matching PJ's even though I DESPISED it when mom would make Trina and I wear matching dresses/clothes. My excuse is that they aren't exactly the same, Valentina had a girl reindeer on her shirt with red and white striped pants, Asa had a boy reindeer with red and white AND green striped pants. See? That's drastically different.


Christmas morning. Asa actually was really tired and didn't want to get up. Valentina was ready to open presents at 7 am but I made her wait the two hours for Asa to get up. Needless to say she was ready to go!


This was one of her favorite gifts, courtesy of her J Ho. It was the second present she played with after opening everything and she easily spent a few hours playing with it.


Also from Jen. Sorry it was so blurry.


Later on Christmas evening. Yes, I let them stay in their PJ's all day. They were both playing on tablets, nevermind that they each got an Innotab 3S from us as one of their gifts. I was so proud of myself at the beginning of shopping season because that was going to be their only gift, the Innotab. I didn't want to spoil them and get them tons of stuff. It was a great plan, in theory, but it didn't last. I eventually caved but they only got two more presents. One of them, the Lego Friends cruise ship, was something I had no idea that Valentina HAD to have until a week prior to Christmas. Of course it was a hot commodity and I couldn't find one ANYWHERE. Norm had to go to work and ask to buy one back from the toy drive they had done. Yes, I was that desperate. It was worth it though, she loved it. And Asa screeched when he opened one of his secondary presents, the Lego Star Wars AT-TE Walker. He loved it. Again, so worth it!


By that Saturday I was feeling a bit stir crazy so Norm and I went out to do some of our own returns. When we got home a few hours later we saw the Lego city they had created on their own. It was the cutest thing ever!


I love them so much and am eternally grateful for them.


What did YOU do for Christmas?

Sunday, January 05, 2014

Half Gone

Joshua has had Asa for the past few days. I hate to see Valentina become so despondent and lethargic. It is as if the light in her eyes was blown out whenever Asa is gone. She turns into a totally different person, one who is moody, angry, sad, heartbroken and doesn't want to do anything. She takes no joy in even walking. Walking, such a mundane part of daily life that 99.9% of people doesn't even realize they're doing it, provides Valentina with sheer joy. She is always skipping and hopping and jumping from one room to another, from her bedroom to the bathroom, all with a giant smile on her face. However, when Asa is gone she merely drags her feet behind her as if they were too heavy to even lift up, as if the weight in her heart has moved to her feet. It is the only time she ever just walks.

Asa came back tonight and it is as if our house has come alive again. Valentina's face lights up, she is suddenly bouncing around like a ballerina jumping on jellyfish.

It hit me tonight that I know how she feels.

She knows how I feel.

We are mother and daughter and already at this early age we have something in common that can never be changed.

When Asa is gone, Valentina is gone. Her soul is broken and depleted. Her heart deflated.

Luckily this is only temporary since the minute Asa comes back BOTH of their lives go back to normal.

I know what that is like. I have half of myself missing. Although it's not physical and anyone walking past me would never guess that inside I'm as hollow as the cheap ass chocolate flavored bunnies at the dollar store.

This month is obviously harder than the other months. This week is harder than the other 51. We relive each day Trina was in the hospital. What the doctors told her. What the doctors didn't tell her, which in fact spoke volumes.

Tomorrow is January 6th. Four years ago on Wednesday, January 6, 2010, the doctors told us she wouldn't make it through the night. She was going downhill fast. There was an urgency I have never felt since and I hope to hell I never fell again. My sisters LIFE was leaving her but I wasn't ready to let her go! I had more questions for her! I needed more time! She won't make it through the night? I need her the rest of my life! This can't be real. This isn't real. This is just one big mistake. When will we find the doctor who will tell us that all of the other ones are wrong, that they just need to move a tube, insert something, take something out and then she'll be ok? We need to find him FAST because time is GOING!

Thursday marks the fourth year that we have been out of time. Since time stopped. Since our lives were irrevocably changed.

Is the glass half full or half empty?

Isn't that the question people ask you to determine if you are a positive or negative person?

I, myself, am half gone. I used to be full but then something came along and ripped out my irreplaceable insides.

For some, if not everyone (except mom, Asa, papa and me), Trina is replaceable. For some, she has already been replaced.

My insides can never be replaced.

And neither can Valentina's....... until Asa comes bounding through that front door making us ALL as whole as we can possibly be with our insides still ripped out.