We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Sunday, January 05, 2014

Half Gone

Joshua has had Asa for the past few days. I hate to see Valentina become so despondent and lethargic. It is as if the light in her eyes was blown out whenever Asa is gone. She turns into a totally different person, one who is moody, angry, sad, heartbroken and doesn't want to do anything. She takes no joy in even walking. Walking, such a mundane part of daily life that 99.9% of people doesn't even realize they're doing it, provides Valentina with sheer joy. She is always skipping and hopping and jumping from one room to another, from her bedroom to the bathroom, all with a giant smile on her face. However, when Asa is gone she merely drags her feet behind her as if they were too heavy to even lift up, as if the weight in her heart has moved to her feet. It is the only time she ever just walks.

Asa came back tonight and it is as if our house has come alive again. Valentina's face lights up, she is suddenly bouncing around like a ballerina jumping on jellyfish.

It hit me tonight that I know how she feels.

She knows how I feel.

We are mother and daughter and already at this early age we have something in common that can never be changed.

When Asa is gone, Valentina is gone. Her soul is broken and depleted. Her heart deflated.

Luckily this is only temporary since the minute Asa comes back BOTH of their lives go back to normal.

I know what that is like. I have half of myself missing. Although it's not physical and anyone walking past me would never guess that inside I'm as hollow as the cheap ass chocolate flavored bunnies at the dollar store.

This month is obviously harder than the other months. This week is harder than the other 51. We relive each day Trina was in the hospital. What the doctors told her. What the doctors didn't tell her, which in fact spoke volumes.

Tomorrow is January 6th. Four years ago on Wednesday, January 6, 2010, the doctors told us she wouldn't make it through the night. She was going downhill fast. There was an urgency I have never felt since and I hope to hell I never fell again. My sisters LIFE was leaving her but I wasn't ready to let her go! I had more questions for her! I needed more time! She won't make it through the night? I need her the rest of my life! This can't be real. This isn't real. This is just one big mistake. When will we find the doctor who will tell us that all of the other ones are wrong, that they just need to move a tube, insert something, take something out and then she'll be ok? We need to find him FAST because time is GOING!

Thursday marks the fourth year that we have been out of time. Since time stopped. Since our lives were irrevocably changed.

Is the glass half full or half empty?

Isn't that the question people ask you to determine if you are a positive or negative person?

I, myself, am half gone. I used to be full but then something came along and ripped out my irreplaceable insides.

For some, if not everyone (except mom, Asa, papa and me), Trina is replaceable. For some, she has already been replaced.

My insides can never be replaced.

And neither can Valentina's....... until Asa comes bounding through that front door making us ALL as whole as we can possibly be with our insides still ripped out.

1 comment:

Jen said...

Amazing. She is an extension of you, you are an extension of her. Yes, I understand that mother/daughter thing…but of course in a different way. I am so very sorry your other half is forever gone, your insides ripped out, never to be inside once again. A hole, a void, a deep, dark abyss.

I have been thinking endlessly of you…of all of you, all week long. I will especially be thinking of you tomorrow.