We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Painful

I miss my sister. There are certain things that make me miss her even more. Things happen and life continues on, I have no say in the matter, things change, people move in and the whole time this is going on around me I feel as if I'm the freak who is standing there in the middle of the vortex of the storm we call life and I'm stuck. I'm the old tree that is still standing after everything has been tossed about. A new house is built to replace the old one that was ripped to shreds in this storm. New cars come in and out, babies born, children grow up and I'm the dumbfuck who is just standing there, roots stubbornly stuck, refusing to budge one inch because no matter how well the new house looks, no matter how many new cars come and go, one thing is certain, my home, my life, my constant, was ripped away from me in the storm and I'm frozen, unable to move, still hoping that one day the part that was so painfully and quickly snatched away forever, will return to me,  that it really ISN'T forever, forever is just the term they use. Because the thought of continuing on without my soul is just, at times, too much to bear. People come, people go, people force themselves on you, they think they know and send you little sayings that are supposed to help with this unbearable heartbreak when in reality there is nothing that can help. Nothing. After all, don't you think I would do/have done anything possible to help? For some of us there is no cure for death. I had one sister. She's gone. I'll never have another sister as long as I live.

The realization of that is so much more painful than I could have ever feared.

1 comment:

Jen said...

No matter how many times I pull your page back up, re-read your words and sit here...I still have nothing. There is nothing for me to say. No words.

I can't tell you how many times I have tried - thinking I may have writer's block. Thinking I just wasn't in the right space, place...I don't know what. But no. There's just nothing for me to say, but what we tend to say.

I know,

You know.

I love you.