We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Friday, February 14, 2014

I Don't Know

I don't know what happens after someone dies.

I don't know what happens to their soul.

I don't know if heaven exists.

I don't know if the dead can see us.

I don't know anything about this stuff.

That said, I had a couple of experiences that have given me pause.

A few months after sissy died Norm and I started marriage counseling. The office where our therapist was in was a busy part of town, horrible parking, narrow streets, you name a problem with driving and parking, that place had it. The streets were always, ALWAYS full of parked cars. Now keep in mind that I cannot parallel park AT ALL. When sissy and I would go out together she always wanted me to drive so I did. However, whenever we would get downtown and there would be a parking spot open that required parallel parking, I would literally get out of the car and change seats with her. We had more than our fair share of people (rightfully so) honking at us.

Anyway, back to the point that I can't parallel park. Whenever I would get down to our doctors office I would drive around the corner, hoping against hope that I would find a double parking spot open, that would be the only way I could parallel park.

Another thing I'd like to point out is that I didn't listen to the radio until recently. I always listened to my iPod because there were too many songs on the radio that would cause an complete and utter emotional breakdown. So I would always have my iPod plugged in and have it on.

Norm and I were in therapy off and on for a few months.

I would drive around the corner once to see if there was any parking. Each time there was never a spot open, not even a single parallel spot. It was at this time that I would say out loud "c'mon sissy, park for me."

Every damn time I said that I would come around the corner and find a spot open. Right there on a corner. No parallel parking required.


At the same time my iPod would stop working and all that would come through my speakers was static.


It would last for anywhere from 5-20 seconds. I would always say then "thank you sissy."

My iPod never stopped working at any other times than when I was parking or leaving my parking spot. Maybe it was just because of the location of the power lines? Maybe reception was just shitty there?

I don't know.

Last week another a few other things happened.

Parking is a bitch at the kids' school. Parking seems to be a theme here, it's my nemesis. Luckily no parallel parking :) but the parents there are total assholes and think they can park anywhere they want, to hell if they are blocking literally 5 other people who are trying to catch empty parking spots that THEY could park in. Parents there also never yield to the busses like they are supposed to and apparently parking lot courtesy or rules (yield to those going straight when you're making a left turn) go out the window if you have a kid in school. I, on the other hand, ALWAYS use the rules. I'm a very courteous driver which explains why I get so fucking fed up when I take and pick up the kids every day.

The other afternoon I got to the school about 20 minutes early, which unfortunately is what you have to do in order to get a parking spot. The fact that we only live a half mile away is cruel, I should be able to leave my house five minutes before they get out but due to the assholes I have to change my schedule. Anyway, I come around the corner and there's a car parked BLOCKING THE ENTIRE PARKING LOT!!!! Just sitting there. I stopped my car and just threw up my hands in frustration. What the fucking fuck? Who the hell BLOCKS the entire parking LOT?! I wasn't sure what to do. Should I honk? I hate it when people honk but then again I never give them a reason to honk at me. Can I get past them and squeeze into the parking lot? Nope, too tight. What do I do? I was sitting on my hands, literally, when I had the thought "if sissy was here she'd be laying on the horn."

At that very second a horn honked.

The asshole moved their car, opening up the parking lot. I was in shock. Who honked? I looked down at my hands, still under my legs. Nope, couldn't have been me. I look behind me. Nope, nobody there honking at me. I look around and all I saw were empty cars. Who the hell honked?

I don't know.

What I do know is that I was finally able to park.

The other morning I got up and was watching my morning news (CBS This Morning featuring Charlie Rose) before the kids got up. I was drinking my tea and catching up on what had happened overnight when I realized that one of my lamps was out. Now that is expected. I have a lamp on either side of the TV. One of the lamps I turn off every night and the one closer to Valentina's room I leave on all night. Every morning I always come out to the living room, turn on the other lamp and open the shades. It's part of my morning ritual. But this morning I had forgotten to turn on the other lamp. It was really annoying me and I thought maybe I HAD turned the lamp on but the lightbulb blew. Anyway, I was sitting there getting pissed at myself for not turning it on instead of doing what a normal human would do which is get off the couch and actually turn it on. Oh no, I'm far from normal. I just continued to sit on my ass and drink my tea. I had the thought "man, if only sissy would turn on the lamp! That would be sweet!" A while goes by and the next thing I know is my lamp is on. I did a double take and thought "how the hell did that happen? Did I get up and turn it on?" I actually sat there for about 30 seconds trying to remember if I had finally behaved like a human and turned it on. Nope, no memory of it. Then again my memory is horrible. Seriously. Horrible. My psychiatrist says it's the Ambien but I think it's the Ambien combined with the slew of other medications I have to take. Again I sat there trying to figure out of I had gotten up. Nope, my tea was still in my hand. My legs were still crossed. My robe was in the same place. You know how when you get up and do something and then go sit back down you usually sit in a different position? I was in the exact same position.

I don't know.

I certainly don't feel anything when things like this happen. I don't feel a presence, I don't feel Trina around me, I don't feel calm, I don't feel anything but thankful because the one thing all of these things have in common is that they made my life easier.

Did sissy do all of these things?

I don't know.


Jen said...

You know, and I do too.

Things HAVE to be outright for me, and Aviana has been saving me every step of the way since she left. I too - don't feel anything, don't feel her presence, don't feel her around me, I don't feel calm...but I am thankful as thankful can be.

I do notice I have to be mindful, or I miss things. I thought she was gone for a little while, but no. I began telling Amy of all the different things...and guess what...so many of them were during the time I thought she was missing. It's because they were happening, but I wasn't fully making complete mental notes.

I started typing them all on heart post it notes in my phone. I plan on writing them for real and pinning them to my vision board in my closet. I don't want to forget any! I feel I already have : (

I think it's the greatest gift ever. It happened all the time with Kama through Rainey as well.

Saving grace.

I loved reading every single one of yours...they brought me so much comfort for you, and me too.

I so love you!

kathleen said...

You forgot to write about whenever you are in a store buying things for the kids in the style that Trina would have bought, a song comes over the store intercom, a song that is special to you both. I believe.