We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Monday, March 31, 2014

Fragile

I know I've spoken before of feeling emotionally fragile but this time I had a bit of a psychiatric breakdown.

In all of my years of battling depression, in the lowest of my lows, even before I started life changing medication, I was always able to do the things I needed to. I was able to get up, go to work, take care of the responsibilities I had. Even after sissy died (I cannot stress how odd it still is to have to write that) I always got up and took the kids to school, did what I had to do. Sometimes it was the bare minimum of what I had to do but I did it.

Last week I didn't.

Thank goodness Beya and Papa's work hours are so that they were able to get the kids ready for school, take them to school, pick them up from school, take them to soccer practice, etc.... I could not get out of bed.

Literally, could not get out of bed.

I slept all day. Mom was worried and asked if I needed to be taken to the ER. I refused but I had no idea why my body was reacting the way it was. Thursday things kind of came to an emotional head and that was it. I couldn't deal with one more thing. Not looking at the lunch menu. Not showering. Not even making it to the living room. I was in bed. And this is all after my psychiatrist increased my Abilify (a medication specifically for bipolar depression).

Luckily this emotional and physical shut down lasted only a few days but it was a long few days. Nobody but those around me knew of it.

Until now.

The reason I'm writing this is because I talk about my bipolar. I talk about my grief. I talk about my depression. I talk about my shortcomings. And to anyone who feels the same, or has had the same moments, you are not alone. Depression can affect anyone. It can vary in degrees. It can come and go. It can debilitate you. It can pull down into a darkness you never thought you could climb out of.

But you can.

It can knock you down, take everything out of you and spit you out leaving you empty and broken.

But you can put yourself back together and become stronger for it.

You can think you have a handle of it and think you've got it under control and then have an episode hit you and make you realize how fragile you really are.

I know I did.

1 comment:

Jen said...

I am so happy you posted this, but I am so sorry you had to experience it.

My fingers cannot find the keys to put together my many thoughts. All I can really come up with is really superficial. I so love you and feel such heaviness to know you felt such a deep down heaviness. I feel sick knowing I am so far way. Just an overall helpless, junky feeling...to read something like this, to have had a feeling pulling at me, but wasn't exactly sure, and then to have brushed it off, and then to read this.

I am really grateful you are feeling better though and you have such a great support to care for you and those littles.