We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Sunday, April 13, 2014


When I write about my dark and twisty innermost thoughts Beya is always surprised. She hates to read those posts. She says it always shocks her because that is not our day to day life. And it isn't, I hope I've made that clear. This blog is something I use to purge those thoughts and feelings. I have them, they are mine, it is how I feel all the time. I still have the ticker screaming at me "MY SISTER IS DEAD! MY SISTER IS DEAD!" There has yet to be one second that goes by where I am not thinking of her and missing her and feel as if I have had my soul ripped out of my body and replaced with a wonky one that isn't even close to the one I had. I feel as if I need to give proof that I'm not wallowing and moping around. 

This is our day to day life. 

I hope this gives you a better sense of my two worlds that are always colliding. I have my dark and twisty and grief stricken heart mixed with my life that is grateful for the family that I have left. 

Someone Contact My Lenses

After approximately 20+ years of wearing glasses I finally switched to contacts the first of the year. I have astigmatism in my right eye which makes contacts more difficult to match which is party why I haven't had them. I also have an "eye thing" i.e. putting anything in my eyes freaks me out. I have finally learned how to do eye drops in the past 2-3 years without using half a bottle and getting only a few drops in my eyes. So you can imagine my hesitation of putting mini glasses in my eyes. 

The past few months I, along with my eye doctor, have struggled getting the right strength for each eye. I was on my third pair of trials before something got halfway right. I can still see better with my old glasses but vanity gets in my way and I still wear my contacts every day however I change to glasses in the evening.

When I ordered a six month supply of contacts I also ordered some new cases because I was tired of the basic ones that come with the solution and free trials. My new ones are kind of cute and look like a bubble. Norm things they look weird but I like them. 

Yesterday after my shower I put in my contacts and started working on soccer paperwork. For some reason things were even more blurry than usual. I could hardly see the paper in front of my eyes. It was very weird and I couldn't figure out why I couldn't see. After a few minutes it finally hit me; I think I had put my contacts in the wrong eyes!!! I switched them around and sure enough, things came into focus better. It turns out my new case only have a small "R" embossed for the right eye and I had put the case backwards when I put them in. I was amazed I hadn't done this before. Of course I had to pull a papa and MexiGhetto up my case:

I think I'll be able to tell the difference now.

Wednesday, April 09, 2014


Papa loves to go to used thrift shops. One of his favorites is Value Village but only on Wednesdays because it's Senior Day so everything for the oldsters is 40% off. 

Today mom and I had to go to Target to return some clothes I had picked up for the kids (but I forgot to actually BRING the bag of clothes which means I need to do another Target run in the near future) and afterwards she called papa to meet us for lunch. We met at Applebees and papa informed us of his treasures he found at Salvation Army and Goodwill. 

One thing he was so excited about was a life jacket he found for himself. 

Doesn't he look happy to be wearing it?

Now this being us and papa being papa he didn't buy the life jacket for actual water usage, oh no. He had a completely other use for it. Why was he so tickled about a life jacket that won't be used in water? Because he bought it to wear as protective gear while the kids put on their boxing gloves and take turns punching him. 

Pretty genius if I say so myself.

Now I know they make stuff actually for this sport but hey, why buy that when you can spend $4 for the same thing? 

I love my papa. 

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

Opening up a brand new jar of peanut butter and taking the first swipe of it with my knife.

Pocket doors. I don't have any pocket doors but I love them.

Going to sleep with the window open and the ceiling fan on.

Salt. The movie and the seasoning.

Mr. And Mrs. Smith. It's on my DVR all the time so whenever I have 5-10 minutes between shows I'm watching I will flip it on.

Spring weather.

Cool spring evenings when a cardigan is all you need.


Vintage beaded gowns with lace.

Listening to the kids play with their stuffed "Aminals" and hearing the different voices and personalities they give each one.

The original names the kids give their stuffed "Aminals" such as blue bear, big teddy, brown bear, papa bear, sharky, etc..... There is one exception and that is a small blue bear Asa named Tax Credit.

My iPod, iPhone and iPad.

Page protectors.

Binders with page protectors.

Address books. Old school, as in paper address books. I have had the same one for about six years, I call it my master address book.

Personalized stationary.

New kitchen appliances.

Burt's Bees.

Planning trips I'll never take.

Fruit Loops, Lucky Charms and Frosted Flakes.

These are just a few of my favorite things.

Sunday, April 06, 2014

For Kathy

While writing my blog I have met some amazing people. Some I have known through emails, some I have known through phone calls, some drift in and out of my life and some are in my life and people I've actually met.

Kathy is one such person I have met in real life. She lives an hour away from me and whenever we would go on the Polar Express we would always meet up with her. Kathy always brings a special toy for the kids, she is so funny, adores her grandkids, her kids and her husband. Kathy is also my trial buddy. We were both obsessed with the Casey Anthony trial and forget about getting any work done during the Jodi Arias trial, we would be texting each other constantly. If she had to actually get some work done I'd get her caught up on what she missed.

We "met" when she found my blog after sissy died and she emailed me telling me she could relate. Her sister Patty died 20 years prior from breast cancer and she still felt the grief. We have commiserated and laughed. Grieved and joked. Most of all Kathy told me something that I have held on to for the past four years. I have held tightly to this promise of sorts but I have never told her how much what she told me means to me. How I have clung to it like a life buoy sometimes. She told me once that it took her about five years to finally start to feel some sort of life again.

Why did this strike me so much? Because it wasn't the usual bullshit of "time heals all wounds" or "it gets easier with time" or any of that other shit people say. No, Kathy told me the way it is. She tells me that some days, more than 20 years later, she has a really rough day or she reached for the phone to call Patty or just really missed her sister. I think I still have the original email she sent me.

Kathy is someone who I really, really like and is really honest.

Kathy emailed me Thursday letting me know her husband unexpectedly died earlier this week.

I'm so very, very sorry for you Kathy. I have no words, only love and sorrow.