We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.



Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Homework To Do

I know my last post was really down in the dumps. And that's how I feel. I've had my parenting ridiculed, my emotions all over the place and told that basically nothing I do is right. On top of it Asa has been gone for two weeks while Josh's dad has been in town. As a result things have been pretty shitty.

However, one thing that I take full responsibility for (along with the crappy parenting, I already know that, I don't need people calling me out on it) is that mom and I haven't done our homework. Homework that our therapist prescribes to us.

Fun.

We haven't had any fun lately.

Mom is working and it puts a serious crimp in our availability to have fun time. Fun as in something as simple as going to a movie. We haven't done anything fun in a long time. Nothing just for the two of us. Our therapist (who we haven't seen in about a month) recommends that we drink, do spontaneous things, act out in an irresponsible way, the same as Trina made us do. Trina made us be hoppers. We had to follow along her, hopping from thing to thing, place to place, following her along like the pied piper.

We haven't hopped.

I know Norm is more than willing to watch the kids one evening while mom and I go hop, he is an amazing father and has become a better husband.  We are trying our best to be a team and it seems to be working. We are even leaving the kids for four nights next month while we do a getaway, just the two of us. He wants me to do what makes me happy because he knows it translates into me being a better and happier person. However Beya and I haven't had the strength to be hoppers right now. August really weighs us down which makes hopping difficult yet it is when we need it the most.

So there is HOMEWORK TO DO!!!! Homework that MUST get DONE! Off we go to do some homework!

I just don't know when.

But we must hop on.

Monday, August 18, 2014

August 18

Today would have been sissy's 45th birthday.

Five years ago was the last time she was alive for her birthday. She was 40.

We had planned on going to Vegas for her 40th birthday.

She was going to be 6 months pregnant for her 40th birthday.

We were all going to go and have fun and make fun of her turning 40 and being pregnant in Vegas.

Then cancer happened.

Instead she spent her 40th birthday at chemo all day.

I threw together a quick surprise birthday party for her at a restaurant. There was a lot of going back and forth of what should we do? Do we surprise her, do we do anything, do we tell her since she was so sick and we knew she was going to be at chemo all day?

In the end we decided to have a small birthday party for her 40th. Oh how different the reality was from our dreams.

For the longest time after she died and we would go to the same restaurant where we had her birthday we would avoid sitting in the same area as we had her party. At least we were able to go to the restaurant.

As usual, this year we were out of town for the most of her birthday since we can't bear to stay at home. We went to Seattle yesterday and came home tonight. We spent the last two days hanging out at the pool and ordering room service (Valentina's request).

Oh how I miss her. There is absolutely no good reason as to why she isn't here celebrating her 45th birthday. She SHOULD be here. She SHOULD be healthy. She SHOULD be with her son. She SHOULD be here being the best big sister. She SHOULD be here being my parents firstborn.

Instead Beya and papa had to go to the cemetery to lay flowers at her grave.

I miss her so much and have so many questions for her and conversations to be had.

Happy 45th birthday sissy. You SHOULD be here.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Always August

August is always a harder month than usual. Sissy would be turning 45 on Monday. It's still unbelievable that she is dead. Just yesterday I was walking into the living room and grabbed my cell phone to see if she had called. I also had the thought "hmm.... I wonder why she hasn't called me in a while. It's been some time since I talked to her."

Well if that isn't the understatement of the year.

Each day is progressively worse. I feel as if I have cinder blocks attached to my extremities. Every movement requires more and more effort and energy. Getting out of bed is a chore that is tiresome and almost unbearable much less going through the daily routine.

I'm just so tired.

Tomorrow also marks 12 years since our car accident. I'm not sure I ever explained what exactly happened but maybe tomorrow.

Grief is a wild animal that attacks and retreats and leaves you always on edge. You never know when you will be brought down by one single swipe or when you will be mauled by multiple strikes that feel like the attack will never stop.

Grief is very alive. It very much moves and follows you like a shadow. Sometimes it is less noticeable and other times it's right there in front of you, mimicking your every move, unable to leave your side. Even when you can't see it, the grief is always there.

Four and a half years and I'm still exhausted by the ducking, weaving and trying to outrun the nonstop grief.

Right now I'm too tired to run. I've been overrun and knocked down but there is stuff happening behind the scenes that require my full attention and I'm unable to give in to the cement bricks. So I keep trying to drag one foot in front of the other.

Literally.

Friday, August 01, 2014

25 Things

1. I have to have the bed made before I go to sleep, even if that means making it literally just before I get in bed.

2. My wedding favors were featured on People.com

3. I once won tickets to see U2.

4. I love mid century modern decor and would love to have my house look like a Mad Men set.

5. My house is a mishmash of shabby chic, mid century modern and ragged with a beachy feel thrown in.

6. I first got in my head that I wanted to adopt when I was about ten years old.

7. Throughout my 20's I was dead set against having any children.

8. My husband and I were together for 12 years before getting married.

9. I've had a had a husband for 8 years meaning we've been together for 20 years.

10. I have a titanium plate and six screws in my neck but one of the screws broke.

11. I called in to a radio station and requested a Brady Bunch song (Sunshine Day) and they played it.

12. I used to be obsessed with The Brady Bunch.

13. I used to work with my best friend but we didn't become best friends until after we stopped working together.

14. My best friend and I used to have water gun fights in the office.

15. For a brief time sissy and I lived together and worked together.

16. During that time Trina and I stayed up all night to make our Christmas gifts. She made soaps.

17. Whenever I see handmade soaps I always remember that night and how hard we laughed and deliriously silly we got.

18. I love cartoony owls and frogs but I hate live animals.........except for Rainey.

19. I have horrible insomnia that started when I was a teenager which makes all the possible side effects of Ambien worth taking it.

20. Once Beya and I flew to San Francisco for the day.

21. When sissy and I were in our car accident the force of being thrown forward was so big I broke the windshield with my head, smashed my nose on the rear view mirror and dented the glove box with my knee (I wasn't wearing my seatbelt).

22. Sandwiches and ice cream are my favorite foods, but not in that order.

23. I can't sing for shit but that doesn't stop me from doing it in the car.

24. My mind is constantly going which becomes exhausting, just a side effect of being bipolar.

25. I have the best family in the world and I love them with all my heart.