We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Yes I Do Have A Cross

I welcome religious zealots who come to my door. Nothing gets my blood pumping more than out arguing someone who has come to save my soul. Many a time have I sent preachers and missionaries away from my home cursing themselves for happening upon my doorstep.

The latest and greatest happened Wednesday evening. A young girl came by trying to hawk some of her "Jesus loves YOU!!!!" books. I took pity on her seemingly teenage self and tried politely to tell her I wasn't interested. By the third time I realized that she may have been young but they had groomed her right, she wasn't taking no for an answer. After she literally shoved a book through my screen door I figured enough was enough.

"I'm Agnostic" I announced to her. "I don't need any of this, I've had it all before and I'm quite fine with my life right now."

Her jaw dropped open and she sputtered to me, "but you have a cross on your wall!" dumbfounded.

"Yes I do" I agreed, wondering what else her prying eyes had picked up. "I have a wall full of crosses."

"But....... then....... uh.......why........um........ I'm sorry, I'm confused. What is Agnostic?" she finally blurted.

"I believe that God is a theory that can neither be proven nor disproved. I don't say there is a God, I don't say there isn't. I believe he is a theory" I answered her.

"Did you used to believe?" she asked me. This one kills me. I believe in a lot of things, why is it that when people question my "beliefs" it has to automatically refer to God? Why can't it mean marriage equality? Why can't it mean Mac vs. PC? Why does "believe" have to mean beLIEve in God?

"Yes, I used to believe" I told her, using her vernacular. "I was raised religiously in a 7th Day Adventist culture. Then I left and dabbled in Catholicism. Then I became spiritual. Now I'm Agnostic and I'm just fine with that" I explained.

And just like that she became just another in a long list of "believers" who left my doorstep wondering why oh why my house was on their route.

Some of you may wonder why my kids went to religious preschools. That is simple. Both of my kids believe in God. Beya teaches them about God and they want to pray and "believe". Sometimes it's a difficult dance around words to support them in their beliefs when mine are completely different. I don't want them to know what my chosen path is, I don't want to confuse them, which is why I keep my belief, or lack thereof, under wraps from them. When they are older I will be more than happy to let them know what my thoughts and feelings are and how and why I came to my decision but when I tell them I want them to have enough years behind them where they can understand why I think the way I do, why I encouraged them to believe in God, why they only heard about God from Beya and never me. Also the only reason I was able to be fully truthful with this young girl was because the kids were out of the house.

Am I doing the right thing? I have no idea. All I can say is that I'm doing it MY way and the way I FEEL comfortable doing it so who is to criticize and judge me for doing what I'm doing? I'll leave that to the door to door's who are inevitably praying for my quick recovery. A recovery that will never come because there's nothing wrong with me in the first place, I have nothing to recover from.

And yes, I do have a cross in my house. This Agnostic has a hot mess of a wall filled with crosses. At one point they meant something to me. Now they are mere souvenir's to highlight places I have been, gifts from someone for a birthday, wedding gifts from certain people and a few Mothers Day crosses. I love them all as I see them simply for what they are, parts of my life from all different times of it. No more, no less. Hell, I even have a cross tattoo'd on my foot! But I don't regret any of my crosses. They are all step stones to get me to where I am today. I must admit, my life can get really fucked up sometimes, the depression, the bipolar, the chronic pain, the anxiety, the grief, etc.... but when it comes to my thoughts on Jesus and God, well, I've never been more at peace or have felt any better in regards to that part of my life. I feel free to be who I am and who I am is an Agnostic.

My name is Cameo and I'm Agnostic.