We were the closest family possible. Our world was turned upside down on 05/03/09 when my best friend, the person I love most next only to our children, my sister Trina was diagnosed with stage IV breast cancer. Her body gave out on her on 01/09/10 but she will ALWAYS be a part of our daily life and will continue to be in my posts. I started my blog to chronicle our daughter's international adoption from Guatemala and have continued to use it as a journal.

What you will find is my family trying to adapt to our new lives that were handed to us.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

EKG-eezy For Realzy

I had a doctors appointment today to review my pain meds which resulted in my having to have an EKG. It turns out that my myriad of pain medications combined with my mental health meds can turn my heart to mush (I'm paraphrasing).

Well I have the actual test to prove I have a hard heart. There's nothing warm and mushy with my heart, I'm just as cold hearted as always :)

I'm fine and there's nothing wrong with my cocktail. I'll probably have to have an EKG done periodically but I'm good for now.


Thursday, January 22, 2015


There have been multiple scary events in the past month. Some funny, some sad and some just plain scary.

January is always horrible. Trina entered the hospital for the last time on January 2nd. She died January 9th. Every day in between January 2 and 9 has some reminder of what we heard that day, what we did that day. It's a hellish week. And then there is January 14 and 15. The 14th is when we had her viewing for just immediate family. The only people who came were mom, Josh, his mom and myself. I didn't have the strength to view her and I haven't regretted my decision once. Her funeral was January 15th. Shitty, shitty day.

January 14th. This is a double dipper day! Not only is it the day we had her viewing but it is also Valentina's real birthday. Yay! Let's throw a birthday party the day before we buried my sister! We're all in a partying mood! Yes, that is why I "changed" her birthday to February 16th. That was the referral day and it's when I can handle a celebration.

I completely forgot Valentina's real birthday. This year was the first year that Valentina realized her birthday was ON January 14th. That morning was a hard one and I was just doing the normal before school rituals on auto pilot. I went to warm up the car and when I walked back into the house Valentina was jumping and excitedly exclaiming "it's my birthday today!" Shit. I forgot my daughters birthday.

On the 14th mom and I decided we needed to get out so we went and saw "Wild".


I watched all of "Wild" perfectly fine. No tears, no emotion, no nothing. Actually a little letdown because it wasn't really as good as I was expecting. Until the end. When the movie was over I broke down. I had a BREAK. DOWN. Hysterical, can't catch your breath, kind of crying. All I was thinking of was I had forgotten my daughters birthday, it was five years ago that day that mom saw her daughter for the last time in a way no mother should ever see her child, and that I had lost he love of MY life. I don't know how long I cried for, mom just sat there, knowing there was nothing she could do to help me through this meltdown.

Valentina LOVES scaring me. I'm wound up tighter than a yo-yo so it's very easy to scare me. I turn around and Valentina is standing right there, her eyes wide open in anticipation of my reaction, smiling and saying "BOO!" Without fail I jump about three inches and yelp. It's a really fun game for her and really, why not? There are times when she doesn't even have to say anything, just standing behind me is enough to send me through the roof.

Asa has been reading Trina's blog book again. He does this every couple of years. This time was the first time he wanted to read it himself without having mom read it to him. I cringe every time he lugs out the big pink book. Most of the time Asa is giggling and can hardly breathe because he's laughing so hard. Most of the entries are about Asa and the silly things he did which of course he just eats up. At times Asa insists on reading us passages from the book. For me, the book only brings me pain. Pain and tears over the fact that she is no longer here.

There are a thousand other things going on but right now these are the scariest moments that I can think of. As always my children and my parents and my husband are my life savers. Especially Beya. I can't begin to think of my life without her so I try not to! That is SCARY!!!

Friday, January 16, 2015


It's been five years since sissy died and we buried her.

It doesn't get any easier for me.