Fall is full of emotional landmines. October is especially difficult. No matter how gingerly I step around the dates, the explosions still go off.
October 9. My grandpa's birthday. My grandpa died 15 years ago in May. I went into a tailspin after his death. It was what prompted me into therapy. I have fought off tears all day today.
October 14. Beya and Papa leave for a week for California. I don't know how I'm going to make it for a week without my rock. I'm dreading this so much.
October 26. Aviana died. My heart goes out to Jen and her family every day but extra hard on the 26th. Avi was such a special little girl and I will be forever grateful that I got to know her and her amazing family but wish like hell we never had to meet them.
October 28. My birthday is always difficult without sissy but this year is even worse.I am turning 40. I lost it when I was discussing this with my therapist earlier this week. I hate crying but fell into a puddle of tears when mom brought up this topic. Trina died when she was 40. She was so sick on her birthday. She had a special birthday treat of having a chemo treatment on her birthday. I, on the other hand, am healthy. I'm inching ever closer to the date of when I will be older than my sister. That should never happen.
October 31. Halloween. The memories of Trina's last Halloween are engraved in my mind and no matter how hard I try I cannot scrub them away.
November brings along it's own landmines but for now I'm just trying to navigate through October. And yet through it all we find time to laugh and live and love. Always love. Dr. B, my therapist, said as long as love comes through everything else will fall into place. I'm holding tight to that and doing my best to just love. It is impossible to love my little family more than I already do and I love my friends that are my chosen family.
I'm very grateful for my life and the life of my family. Together we love through it all.